Day 4 of 100 Days of Poetry

Wind whistles outside my window

Dogs bark and chickens stir

I huddle deeper into my comforter

No no no

I don’t want to be awake yet

I want to sleep longer, deeper

My eyes close and I slip back into the depths

Light in the window awakens me

This time I stretch with a smile on my face

I think about happy moments in the day to come

Writing on my ipad

Setting out all my art

Choosing which ones will be framed

Opening curtains to let the light flood into the house

I stretch and enjoy the simple moment

My body less tight than the day before

Perhaps this day my pain will be less

I stretch and feel the pull of aches in my body

And still I smile

To think ahead to the rest of this day

Bree Nowacki

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2018 The 100 Days of Poetry Challenge

I’m already behind on this 3rd day so ‘owe’ three poems. Plus, always a glutton for punishment, I took on the challenge of 100 poems in 100 days this year. A challenge the incredibly gifted Natalyn Bradshaw, opera singer extraordinaire and gifted poet, encouraged me to get back into my writing gifts.

What a lovely challenge! One that is needed.

ENJOY!

Poem 1

Dandelion Oil

I bend my aching back

I reach down to clip the happy yellow flowers

My scissors are pink!

I am inordinately happy

In spite of the wild wind

Coming from a direction I hate

I pull my body to a standing position

Rub the top of my hips

Breathe deeply

Look over all the yellow happiness nodding in the wind

Two days from now

Two days will be the day these will be covered with oil

A gentle oil

Then sit for 2 weeks in the kitchen

A happy yellow jar of pain relief

Oil will be beaten into butters for salve

Salves will help the pain

In my hands

In my back

In my hips

I look forward to the weeks passing

All for a moment’s respite

I look over the happy yellow flowers

Their happiness infects my spirit

And I smile.

Bree Nowacki

Poem 2

Caressing moments

I shiver in anticipation

My words tumble from my lips

They will not stop

I am nervous

My body shivers

As I turn my head

I know we will kiss

Lips tasting one another

I eagerly nibble

And tease with my tongue

Time stops in this moment

There is only breathing

The feel of your hand stroking my face

Caressing the softness of my hair

I breathe in the scent of you

My lips continue their exploration

I know the gift of this behavior

I remember this oh so well

There is a wildness inside me

Which yearns to fall into the desire

To let go without thinking

Yet I’m able to pull myself back

Until I remember I need to wait

And I say out loud

“Not yet, I’m almost ready to fall”

Bree Nowacki

Poem 3

Nighttime

It is hot

No, it is cold

Oh make up your mind!

I lay in the dark

Eyes remain closed

As sweat trickles

As sweat pools

In the hollows of my collarbone

The covers are thrown back

It is too hot again

Time passes

I become chill

Covers piled up once again

This time

I fall into the abyss of sleep

This time

I dream

This time

I dream of lips kissing

This time

I dream of caresses which arouse

I wake sweating again

This time

My fingers slip beneath my panties

I find resolution so quick

Breathe deeply, then fast

Oh so fast

As I fall into the moment

Of remembering

What it is like

To be touched

What it is like

To be needed

If only for a night.

Bree Nowacki

“The Day, The Single Day”

The day begins with pain and high winds. The higher the barometric pressure, the worse my pain is. I begin to understand I am sliding into the relapse zone where I hoped to never be. In spite of this knowledge I am full of stubbornness mixed with reality. There is an echo of all the befores. What life was like day to day before all this body failure.

For a moment, a mere moment each morning I forget it all. The body pain, the shortcomings within myself because of hurting all the time it all is gone until I move. My mind remembers simply sitting up and jumping into the morning. My body reminds me this is all an impossibility. Crick, crack, and ‘ouch’ begin my morning. In spite of the stretching, in spite of all the times of getting stronger.

There are times, I admit to wanting to just quit. Quit fighting, quit ‘staying strong’ (whatever the hell that means) and quit trying to see a future for myself without the daily pain. But I also understand my own personality. I can’t quit, won’t quit. I simply keep moving forward in fits and spurts. Slowly heading towards the small goals I have set for myself.

There will be a day it’ll be different and maybe it will be simply that it is a single day with no pain for the day. Yes, that would be the difference. Yes..I can keep holding on until that day arrives.

Memory & Forgetting the Past

Memory.

It’s become my kryptonite and I often find I hate my brain’s inability to hold onto the things I want to remember. My daughter said “Don’t you remember getting me thins?” And honestly? I couldn’t. Then, only then, did I remember what it had been like before brain injury, the new lesion in my brain, or whatever this is. I remembered being able to remember everything.

Every moment had been remembered in total detail. All the scents, all the nuances of facial expression or language. All the tiniest of details. Yet now it is ‘normal’ according to the doctor. To remember every moment, every detail is ‘not normal’ according to them.

“Not normal”. Well, I certain feel very not normal every single day as it is and to know I’m no longer my old version of ‘normal’? It is devastating. It has become my frustration day to day as I struggle to remember the simplest of names for everyday objects.

Shed

Spatula

What time is it?

What day is it?

None of this is ever right there for me to say. Instead in its place is a blank or moments of blankness until I stutter trying to find the right name or word.

All of these things have become difficult in spite of all the improvements I’ve experienced in the past four years. My body has gotten stronger, yet it also has provided answer to pains from the past which hurt me each day upon waking.

Memory.

It is the key to so many things from the past and I still only want to live today. This day, not any other day lost in the past or remembering all the past injuries, how they happened, etc. I do not want to know, nor do I want to remember.

There is so much I don’t want to remember.

There is so much I want to remember, right now, right here, this day.

‘Before Arising for the Day’

Light breaks,

Shining through the window across my eyelids

Light breaks,

Yet I want to fall back into my dream

Light breaks,

The dream of water foaming around my chilled feet

Light breaks,

I am aware of the sun rising on the horizon

Light breaks,

Shattering my dream of shell fragments shifting in the wet sand around my toes

Light breaks,

My body begins to awaken under the sheets

Light breaks,

My eyes open and immediately squint against the bright morning sun

Light breaks,

I lie as still as possible

Light breaks,

I take the deepest of breaths before stretching my arms

Light breaks,

As I breathe in I feel the warmth of the sun upon my face

Light breaks,

I let out all my breath before my body’s smallest of movements

Light breaks,

I begin to stretch and feel all the aches shouting at me

Light breaks,

Heralding a new day of small, constant arguments with my body

Light breaks and I sigh as I think about the day’s challenges ahead of me

I Can’t Live Without It

Wednesday March 14, 2018

Creativity rules me. Pure simple creativity. When I create it is as if time stands still and I have no other thoughts except for the piece I’m creating. What I’ve found through becoming lost in my creative ‘zone’ is my style. Artists, true artists push and push until they have a recognizable style. One which is the passion, the love of their life and one they long for with every single breath.

Passion. It’s what it all comes down to with my art. Perceptual Erotica is about the viewer and creating a piece where each person can become lost in looking at it. Each person has their own intention when they approach my art. Perhaps some see a very sexual moment and others see something totally not at all sexual. I love how each person will see something different or come back to see more depth in what they first thought they saw. My own passion digs deep until I can no longer hold back the flood of creativity. This springs forth from a place so deep inside I’m not always sure what it is I am expressing.

The love of my life. I’ve always said art changes when the artist finally, thoroughly falls so deeply in love with that creative place. The mysterious moment they can’t get away from which fulfills every fiber of their being. I pursued my art, pushing myself to learn, learn, and learn some more. I learned everything about what I could do, what I enjoyed and wrote it down as I traveled along this path. The moment I finally found the ‘it’ of what I’d been pursuing, after some long years of putting aside all other passions, I fell in love with my art.

My art became my serious love. One I pursue even in my dreams. I hold it close caressing it, kissing it, making tender strokes, then passionate frenzied ones until the image I’m pursuing becomes clear to me. I listen to my art as it whispers directions to lead me to completion. This path has become one I can’t be without.

I have become obsessed with my art.

And I have fallen in love so deeply with my creativity I can no longer live without it.

“But I thought celibacy was just….” 

There is often this…sense of being out of step with the world. Yet other times I feel I’m striding along with everyone at the same pace. But, eventually I swerve off the path and head out into the woods or mountains to see the world on my own. There is a choice I’d made which has been long held choice in it’s eighth year heading into the ninth year which causes confusion in others.

      It’s a simple seeming word. Celibacy. 

      Most will tout their belief that it is merely the absence of sex. I would argue it is a much more complicated choice. Kind of like ‘going vegetarian”. There are all types of vegetarianism. There are those who refrain from beef or pork only yet still eat chicken and fish. Or those who will do dairy and eggs yet no meat or fish at all. Some even go towards a path where they eat dairy and fruit and grains yet no vegetables. It’s all in what works for the individual. 

     Absence of sex. This would imply you simply don’t have sex with another person. Most people seem to take this to mean a heterosexual relationship and leave no room for anything else. There is celibacy from men, or celibacy from women, yet the person still has sex with people the same sex as themselves. There are those who only believe in self sex and do not have sex with another person. There are also those who will have strong romantic relationships yet not include sexual contact. Then, there are those who will allow themselves all types of sexual contact yet do not have intercourse. All of these are celibacy. None of them should ever be met with derision or shame by others. 

      As with anything else in life nothing about celibacy is simple. Would quickly kissing someone steer you out of celibacy? No. Unless this is a ‘rule’ within your world of celibacy where a quick kiss would be breaking a rule. Then and only then do you seek to get back onto the personal path of celibacy.

     For me it became a path of no longer having the huge distraction in my life. It was something which was not going to happen to begin with. There are many private reasons for this, none of them open for discussion with anyone. The distraction finally faded into the horizon and along with it entered a wonderful silence. One where I could concentrate on myself and not worry constantly about another person. My life had been full of the thoughts for others. Even to the point I’d entered career fields which were all about a constant message of ‘give your all to others’. As a mother, a wife this was already in my day to day wiring. It seemed simple yet I’d forgotten a simple fact. I still had to give and give to my family after I was off shifts. 

      All I did for over a quarter of a century now, was to give to others. To the point I was drained, my life was draining away to the point I felt dead inside. I had nothing left to give to anyone, especially not myself. I stopped seeking out relationships of any kind. I worked, came home, gave to family, then went back to work again. An endless circle. 

      Celibacy gave me back to me. It’s allowed me to refocus and explore to find out how to define myself. Brain injury brought me to a sudden stop and the four years afterward were filled with trying to discover a way back to myself. I’d lost everything of who I’d been and began to stubbornly refuse to let go of my goal. I kept to towards the path of healing and moving forward in order to become a better me after brain injury.

      I can now look into the mirror and begin to see a woman I finally recognize most days as me. I have gotten to know her now and better yet? I have come to respect her. This had always been my goal. It is one which has been worth the very difficult fight to win.