PTSD: Blood in the Water(Posted by Bree N. on March 1, 2015 to USFRA.org The United States First Responders Association a Non Profit for the support of Public Safety & 1st Responders personnel)
**post contains bullying references**
“Society seems to have moved towards a mental attitude where pulling apart those perceived as “imperfect people’ and taking a sick joy in hurting them until they can’t take anymore is perceived as acceptable behavior.
No it isn’t.
This isn’t acceptable. It’s just not.
On the job, or for me the many jobs, bullying was contained in an agenda I’d not been aware of before taking on the jobs. Bullying was not only by my male coworkers but also by the female ones. I learned to just let it go, ignore it, let it roll off my back and to walk away from it. Yet in the night at home alone in my bed I held my pillow and shook with anger, tears streaming down my face. “I can’t TAKE this anymore” I’d whisper to myself in the night. Yet each morning I would go to my knees in prayer. “Please help me to be strong enough to get through this day. May I look only towards my patients’ needs not my own. May I present a cheerful, helpful countenance towards the visitors to our city. May I have the strength of mind to study all the horrendous pictures to be able to recreate them and to be better in all these things. Protect me most of all not just from harm, but harmful words from others. AMEN”
“Protect me..not just from harm, but from the harmful words of others.”
Sobering right there. There should never have been a need for this sentence in my daily prayers. Yet it held a place each day for years. Some days I felt this protection. I had days where my focus was held by my personal intent for positive interaction, positive outcomes. Yet in spite of this there was always someone who had a personal agenda to attempt to pierce my carefully constructed armor. Words, actions. They caused me to crumble inside until I started looking for a new job. Months went by before I could get out of the hell hole which had become my life.
Bullying did this.
What I did not understand was I couldn’t outrun the bullying. The next job held a bully of a worse magnitude. The job after this one held an ‘in secret’ bully who was known to be doing this yet still held their position. I grew a cold mask. I preempted their attempted online contact with harsh words. In person they pretended all things were fine. The minute I was left alone with them they’d lean in and whisper “I’m going to take you down, you b****.” Passing by them in the hallways held the same whispered ugliness.
I became the ice queen no one likes. Yet even this change in my demeanor caused a different type of bully. One determined to push me to explode. Their goal seemed to only be about trying to push me until they could say ‘ see? She’s no better than anyone else that stuck up b****.” Wow.
How is this OK?”
It isn’t OK.
Bullying is NEVER okay, not once and I do not, will NOT ever support bullying behavior. Bullies do it to make themselves feel better by hurting someone they perceive are less than they are without any thought for the consequences which can ensue. Bullies always find pride in how they are ‘taking down’ someone else and can not help but reveal themselves as they gleefully continue on their path of bullying.
Bullying behavior is never okay.