The Irritable Storm

Irritability

 Bedrest, elevation and physical therapy to begin with, daily activities prescribed, then start living again. Seems so simple yet no one takes into account the level of irritability which is not normal for me impeding my plans. Physical pain has gotten my attention in a way I really didn’t think was possible. It also begs me to question all the moments I have been irritated and grumpy this past year and more.

 See I really am stuck in ‘happy’ so when someone makes the comment, ‘it’s normal to be ‘emotional’’I want to punch them in the face. No it is NOT normal for me. It means something is wrong and if it’s gotten my attention at this level I really have to wonder how bad it must be to have gotten my attention in the first place.

 Today, yesterday, the day before and the past six months there has been a level of irritability which has been trying to give me a message. The one of ‘you are in pain’. This is a message I think is taken for granted by most people. I already live with a very high level of pain tolerance to begin with and so I know if this pain has gotten my attention and I’ve become irritable? This is not a good thing.

 So there is a plan now and this is the best part for me. To be proactive in recovery of any kind is great as it allows me to tick off the boxes mark them ‘done’. Prepare, plan, put it all into action and move forward. It’s all I’ve got right now.

 However it is funny to me when I think about all those who kept pushing their idea of ‘just get up and do it’ on me. They have no idea of my past involving over a decade of the gym being my home, my release. Of how I was the one who gave advice to others about how to get to their goals. I had been the fantastic example of what could be accomplished when you put your mind to it.

 But see, it was never that to begin with. It had been merely this is what I had to do to maintain my sanity in an insane world. There was nothing else to be done day to day except for having the schedule which eventually included many other activities including a career. Now is no different.

 The only difference there could be is how I want to never lose sight of the reality of this is all there is, right now this moment. There is no tomorrow or yesterday. The brain injury has taught me this extremely important lessen. No matter what is going on there is only now.

 Funnily enough I grew up in the generation of “Be Here Now” and in the end it’s all come back to this fact. All there is is the now. My now, my reality, is I am in physical pain and I am working to actually feel it, be aware of it so I can embrace it and understand it. Only then can I move on into a better now. The one where I have control of my own life.

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