A self reflection moment for the end of the year. Sometimes looking back helps me to see how I’ve moved in circles, coming back to the same place. It takes looking at the overall picture with all the accomplishments I’ve had to realize I am moving forward in a zig zag to get back to me.
12052015″Not where I thought I’d be.
5am again. The morning approaches and I’m already awake. Birds are starting to chirp outside at the bare fingers of the sun’s light starting to show in the sky. Dreams have been in my night again. All those kinds of ‘puzzling it out’ type of dreams. Some mornings I’ve woken up and remembered them, others I’ve woken up and was only aware of having had dreams. Rested, this is how I feel each morning. A blessing.
This morning as I laid in bed staring at the curtains and listening to the birds I realize I’m not at all where I thought I’d be. As I laid in bed I hear sirens screaming down a side road not far away and feel the familiar response inside. Eagerness fills me for the moment before I remember I am no longer part of the crowd. These are the days I really hate remembering how it was before all this mess of a loved one’s suicide, on the job sexual harassment, my 2 surgeries, PTSD, and then TBI.
I’d been filled with happiness, confidence at one point. I’d looked forward to what the next day would bring me. 12 hour shifts of never ending unknowns. It was a joy each day. I loved what my days had in store. The puzzles of working it all out each day. When I look at it all with total honesty I see I loved all the jobs I was balancing each week. The jobs, the kids’ activities to go to, working out at the gym, running and finally relaxing. Some nights I’d fall asleep in the bath to end the day. Only waking up when it was so chilled out it woke me up.
I miss the excitement. I miss all the continuing education classes I would get sent to for all the jobs I held. Never staying on one side of the ‘line’ I got to experience what a lot of my co workers hated. I got paid to have more fun than they were. Those never working any of these jobs don’t get it, it’s fun, it’s exciting, and it’s addictive. The withdrawal is worse than any trigger for my PTSD. Even those terrible, bad days are nothing compared to the withdrawal of not being in the ‘in crowd’ anymore.
Sounds childish even to me to read those words. In reality it’s really not. It’s a good thing to work as a team to save someone’s life. It’s a good thing to help those entering a city for the first time to find their way safely. It’s a good thing to help those who have lost everything. It’s fun to puzzle out how to get a victim out from a disaster underground. It’s the fun of a seemingly sick kind. But it was mine and I miss it.
Days are so boring without the excitement of unknown of the day. My days are predictable, even the gym is boring as all get out. It’s so boring I often just workout on my own equipment at home. Pushing my body now makes me nervous. One surgery down, then a second more major than the first due to a injury causes me to be overcautious. The 2 years of physical therapy pushing their ideas into my mind of caution. Don’t push, you don’t want to get hurt, don’t build muscle we don’t like women with solid muscles, don’t run it’ll hurt your pelvic floor, don’t work your abs and overbuild. All the messages negative. All the “no’s” wore me down. So I stopped moving because this is the message I finally got.
All these things flew through my mind this morning and yet the one which stood out was this. “none of these were MY plans, I had a PLAN and they interjected their own versions of my PLAN until it became unrecognizable”
I had a PLAN at one time.
When did I let MY plan go and let it become this unrecognizable view where I do nothing at all? Where I stopped working out? Where I didn’t do anything just for me, to make me happy? In spite of the pushed down deep PTSD I had been happy day to day. I had survived and was moving forward.
I have to keep moving forward towards a new PLAN. Baby steps are finally becoming adult steps. I push my legs to fire, I trust my feet to find their way. I choose now, there’s no one else in my life to hold me back, just me. Just me facing the opponent of PTSD & TBI with the small bow of recognition and respect. Just me in the ring finally ready to fight this full out, no holds barred.
I am going back to my PLAN. I PLAN to win and keep moving forward.