Last year, ” R E S P E C T “

(This was originally a live stream on Periscope as part of a personal endeavor to live stream daily speeches 5-7 minutes long for 90 continuous days)
December 26,2015
Today is day 81 of 90 Daily Topic Scopes. My name is Bree and I write as Bree N. about life beyond PTSD while also healing from a traumatic brain injury and living alongside the uncertainty of Multiple Sclerosis. 
Today’s Topic is: Respect
I’m not a relationship girl. 
I used to think this was what I was supposed to be. Society, family and friends told me I only had worth if I was in a relationship, belonged to someone. This is an ownership issue and I do not want to be ‘owned’ by someone.
6 yrs ago a man pursued me hard, fast, overwhelming me until I told him all it was doing was making me jump the fence so I could run away. He was a horseman so we talked about it in ‘horse’ terms. I told him I was like the wild mustang you adopt. You have to have a certain height to those fences otherwise they will just jump them so they can be free of constraints. It didn’t matter the beauty of the barn, the paddock with it’s high fences all I would want to do is be on the other side out in the fields, the woods, running across streams, drinking from the fast running cold water instead of the stale water in my tank. I wanted to be free of those fences so I could return on my own terms. 
No matter how lovely and perfect it all seemed to be, all I would want was to be free. 
His response, since he thought I was joking was; “I can catch ya, I’ve got fast horses.” 
There is a way to ‘gentle’ a horse, to bring them over to you. It’s not in the round pen, it is by following them, chasing them, it could be for days, perhaps months and eventually after a lot of pursuit, the horse will begin to follow back. It takes time. It is not something which comes about by breaking them until they have no choice. It is not something which comes about by ignoring the story they have to tell. It comes about by the time put in, listening to their small moments of communication until you understand them and most of all…
Respect them. 
Respect, it’s a very misunderstood word. I’m fond of definitions as they help me to better understand words. So this definition is: 
“A feeling of deep admiration for someone, elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements” 
When I have the sense someone is not feeling respect for me, you guessed it! I move on. Perhaps this is why I have no patience for the trolls in my workout broadcasts, but I digress. Respect has to be there in the end or there will be nothing for me to give back as this would be throwing everything away into a deep,dark, endless well of nothing. 
It is not in my nature to be a ‘relationship girl’ because you cannot respect something you feel you ‘own’. The only ‘relationship’ I want to have is one of unending discovery with my self. Who am I? What am I? What do I want to achieve? And this has proven to be a most incredible journey. 
It is one full of respect, love and it is never tiring. 
So for today, think about this:
Are you a ‘relationship girl’? Or are you that wild mustang who only wants to be free?
It’s something to consider in your search to get to know who you really are. 

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One thought on “Last year, ” R E S P E C T “

  1. Yes I do like this. I believe in spending time in the field, grazing casually, perhaps giving a nod of interest here and there. Then, slowly, as my presence is acclimated to, perhaps wandering nearer and nearer until the comfort zone has been reached. Uhm, wait a minute, I’m not a horse, lol. Just kidding, I have approached relationships both with caution, and as your man friend. You are certainly right, a balance is optimal. But oh, love can bite you and put you in such a fever if you are not careful! I loved the subject, as you can see, I can write on and on and on about it. But I’ll stop now, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

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