What Was Lost May Never Be Found…

      I ‘relearned’ the violin in my 30’s, nearly joined an orchestra and took additional lessons to try and get past my fear of public performance. Now it hides away in the upper reaches of my closet. Silently it resides in it’s Meisel case with it’s sheet music in the outer pocket, two bows, resin and soft cloth protecting the strings. This ability is one which may never come back. I’ve gone through periods of attempting to donate it or loan it to a music student to no avail. I continue to hold onto the hope of ‘one day’ I will play again. In the deepest of memories there hides inside my mind a woman who used to play the violin to the horses in the barn. A woman whose hair was to her waist when unbound and joy was constantly in her heart. 

   Today as I cleaned out the closet I opened this case and felt the deepest sorrow. My eyes filled with tears of the memory of becoming lost in the music created by the bow stroking across the strings. Three years, 2 months and 2 weeks have passed since I remembered how to play. All those times, all those years I’d thought about how I should take lessons again if only to get fresh with the skill again are now lost to me. I’ve been told “for now this is gone it may not be forever” but I weary of waiting. It feels as if the pathway which leads to this place inside my mind will never reconnect.

      Periodically I take the case out, open it stroke the strings simply to hear them sing. I take my favorite bow, the wooden one tightening it so I can stroke the bow across the strings to make a semblance of music. The vibration rumbles against my collarbone and inside my chest. Tears will fill my eyes in this moment, nearly falling as they tremulously brim so close to my eyelashes. Yet they do not fall and I put away the violin away. It is carefully put back into the case with soft cloth covering the strings, the bow loosened and put back into it’s respective place. 

      I will open the front pocket of the Meisel case and turn the pages of the music I used to play. My heart feels heavy as I put it away up high inside the darkness of the upper reaches of the closet. This talent, this skill may be one of the lost and never found again. The realization causes my chest to tighten with sadness and grief. 


4 thoughts on “What Was Lost May Never Be Found…

  1. I understand the struggle. It’s a horrible emptiness when a musician can’t play anymore. My undergraduate degree is in music performance. I haven’t been able to play my horn for the past five years after the brain injury. It makes me cry too.

    Get it down. Even if it’s ugly. Don’t let it beat tou

    Liked by 1 person

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