Personal journal, “The Loss of Something I Didn’t Mean to Lose”

Personal journal entry 11.30.2016

      Ever since Multiple Sclerosis entered my life in a drastic way in 1994 it seems like I have far too many memories associated with sickness. Holiday’s not withstanding. This month I’ve been pushing myself hard and ignoring or perhaps the brain injury is not allowing the message to get through that I was getting sick. Until I went into the emergent care to be told I was sicker than I thought. Two rounds of antibiotics, three visits later, and oh X-ray of my foot. Yes, my foot which had been hurting me since early summer when I’d gotten an injury causing me to cut back on running and boxing. I was told I have a bruised bone in the ball of my foot. That’ll take some additional time to heal and by the way you have a double bone spur in the heel of your foot.

      A double bone spur requiring surgery to remove.

      In the meantime I need to buy crocs..WTH crocs? And another shoe brand for running. Both kinds run pretty much higher than I’m used to spending. I’m not one of those who likes to spend a ton of money on shoes. I was planning to buy one pair of low heeled boots to wear all the time. I’d be down with spending a solid amount for those. Hey, they could be a signature look.

      But crocs..umm..they do come in all styles now with colors even. Sigh. I’ve had my heyday of wearing heels which is not to say I can’t, but they put a ton of pressure on the bruised bone in the ball of my foot. Tip of the hat to martial arts boxing for that one. I missed the bag and kicked (full force) with my foot at the base which is filled with water and sand. Pretty much I kicked full force at cement.

      The good news is at 54 I don’t have bone loss showing in my foot. I can have foot surgery to fix the double bone spur, they can do another X-ray to see if anything is going on with my other heel.

      The bad news to me is the message of being in pain (“you must be in a lot of pain all the time) or of getting sick is not getting through. I was told to rest a few days which because the first round of antibiotics didn’t take and it has turned into over a week. It has afforded me a lot of time to think about this issue and what it could mean for the long term.

      The other part which saddens me is a friendship with someone dear to me became ‘disconnected’. I’ve written about this bit before. It starts at the second or third day of no contact. There is this loss of feeling connected in the way you do with friends. I used to simply just lose the memory of anything with the person. Now it’s different. It’s a loss of that sense of connection and after the fifth day it’s slipped away into a fog. By the seventh to tenth it’s gone.

      Sickness for most is something which comes in, then leaves. For me it takes much longer to get well and sometimes along the way? I lose something I really didn’t want to lose. I can only hope and pray my friend will do what others have not. They’ll keep reestablishing a new connection, all the do overs needed no matter how many times it takes.

      I can only hope.


3 thoughts on “Personal journal, “The Loss of Something I Didn’t Mean to Lose”

  1. Yes, I do hope that your friend situation does resolve for you. Thank you for this share. You have a quiet way about your words in your journal, vs. what you post to “others”. Naturally…

    Liked by 1 person

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