A Perception Series: “Sorry Not Sorry, Not Down To Be Your FWB” 

    “It’s not my job to take care of your sexual needs, it’s your (fill in the blank’s) ‘job’”  
     I have said this an unfortunate number of times. Each times it ends with the information I am a ‘bitch’(like this is new information to me?) and communication stopped. I think I was supposed to be ‘hurt’ by this action?

      I write, I sometimes recite poetry and I definitely do public speaking. Therein lies a problem. I am also an artist and my subject is ‘perceptual erotica’. What does this mean? It is not the ‘in yo face’ sexual stuff. It’s up to the viewer to see the sexuality or sexual nature of the work. Yes, sometimes it is very erotic in that it is human bodies in private moments. Yet even then it is left up to the viewer to interpret what they are seeing.

      When I get contacted by male parties especially other male artists, which is not uncommon, I go on alert. I notice their initial picks out of the over 150 which are on the Instagram account for the public to view. I’m not saying I’m getting all psychological in figuring out what their picks mean. Yet they do show me intent of the person contacting me.

      Oh, it’ll get argued by whichever man is trying to get my attention their intention is NOT about sex. It’s not what they are trying to do! It’ll be after they’ve picked a graphic sex moment picture as their ‘favorite’. It’ll be after they’ve initiated conversation and I ‘played along’ to see what their intention really is. Married men, committed relationship men, okay and some women too, really believe they are pulling the wool over my eyes.

      I am not fooled. When the conversation gets to be very sexual in nature as it always seems to, the initial intention becomes very clear. They believe my artistic content means I’m sexually open to being their mistress, their FWB (friend w/benefits), or a hook up. They also, and this is the most telling, will say something which tells me they’ve NEVER read any of my blogs, my poetry or my books.

      I do not write erotica.

      I write about my personal journey with PTSD, Traumatic Brain Injury while also living with the chronic illness Multiple Sclerosis. The subject content is very serious. My books are paranormal mysteries and yes there are some sex scenes in them. Yet they are not erotic writings. The most recent one revolves around a child pornography ring and child abduction. 

      I am not Anais Nin who writes graphic erotica. I know it can appear confusing. I create ‘erotica’ and yet my writing is definitely not erotica. In fact my art is merely a continuation of the dual stimulation of my brain bypassing the point of injury. I create my work using both hands, trading off left and right hands or by using both at once. This is a daily push of attempting to get to emotions I can’t readily express except through my art.

      Am I down to be your mistress, your hook up, or your friend with benefits? What exactly makes you think I would be? If you read the blog at all you’d know I have been celibate for over seven years. This means, for me, no interpersonal relationship leading to a sexual relationship of any kind. Personally I find I do better work, focus better without the distraction. There will always be those who believe they’ve ‘had a sexual relationship’ with me not understanding it was actually a one sided relationship on their end. It was never about me, only them. 

      The answer to the beginning question then is clear. The answer is a resounding “no.” The thing is I really don’t have to explain any of the “why’s”. Your simple sexual interest did not earn you the right to know any of my personal stuff.

      It always gets back to this; “It’s not my JOB to take care of your sexual needs.” It’s simple and really easy to understand.

      So stop misunderstanding it on purpose.



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