Personal journal 11/23/2016
“Today is Thanksgiving right?” My daughter looks disgusted as I ask yet again.
“No Mama it’s tomorrow which is Thursday, today is Wednesday.”
I feel shame inside as I know there is a holiday coming, yet today is merely today to me. Really any day could be Thanksgiving. Perhaps my Thanksgiving was the get together at the monthly artist co op meet up with food, wine and conversation. I certainly feel thankful this group of artists.
I keep track of all the things I am doing. I use my planner, schedule alarms in my phone, and juggle many things going on at one time. Yet I can only keep track of what is going on today. Tomorrow doesn’t really exist.
The official ‘fan page’ received several messages from a long ago online stalker which causes me to not want to go outside the house. This also makes me want to dig through all the journals, read all the private online journaling in oder to read exactly what happened during the time this all began. This concentrated effort of harassment under the seeming guise of friendliness is something I have not forgotten.
Each day since the first message the page continues to get more messages. As they are ignored or given a scripted response the messages devolve quickly into ugliness. As it’s a public page which is managed I may have to have the messaging option removed. I refuse to live my life in fear of being assaulted or worse simply because someone does not understand they have NOT seen me naked and I am not a former porn star. Nor does ‘erotica artist’ mean I am ‘down with hooking up.” (I refer to the past week’s blog post titled “The Art of Celibacy” which discusses seven years of being celibate)
The distractions and the added stress cause me to push for the smaller moments. These smaller moments are ones which have a deeper meaning. I plan for the holiday’s actual day. Plan for the Poutine for breakfast, the meal in the early afternoon and the movies to watch during the day with popcorn in my lap. It’s not that I don’t want to remove myself from the day. It’s more it really doesn’t have meaning anymore to me in most respects.
I don’t always understand things like these holidays which take away money I do not have to spend and don’t want to spend. I can eat very little, be happy on very little but this also doesn’t mean I only ‘deserve’ very little on this day. Plus, historically, this day was one where I reigned in the kitchen and was looked to for all the plans. What will this day be this year?
Inside me is still grieving for this season. It’s less and less each year, yet it is there. I still grieve for the loss of loved ones no longer here. I still experience grief for the holidays which never were and never will be. I remember holidays which will never take place again. I still grieve for what I do not have in my life and in these moments I feel a loss like no other.
So I go small inside and remind myself tomorrow is Thanksgiving, not today. It is a holiday strangers online, on the radio, and in doctor’s offices have talked about all week. They talked to me about their plans, their gathering of loved ones and all the snafus of getting people together on this one day. I remind myself I am beginning traditions as the new ‘matriarch’ of my family.
So we will bake only the things we want to have this day. Our Thanksgiving will be a disjointed meal at best. We will begin with Poutine for breakfast and meat will be eaten which is not turkey for the meal. We will have pie, watch movies, eat popcorn and get out the Christmas tree on Friday.
I still don’t understand why we have to do all these things yet I know they are important to others in the family that we continue to do them.
And so I do.