A Perception Series Blog Post; “Relationships are a 2-way/3-way Street
Relationships are difficult to begin with. Add in celibacy, marriage and god forbid dating at some point? It’s a hot mess. People all have different needs coming into a relationship. So many are only about the one thing. Well, for me when they find out a relationship isn’t going to include the ‘one thing’ they are out the door so fast it leaves a dust devil in their wake.
I’ve written a series before about love not being what you think it is. It’s not what you believe it to be. Really, it isn’t. This one word has so much importance attached to it. The one word ‘love’ has put upon it all these expectations which no one person can fulfill. No one can. I was brought up with the European ideal of marriage is not an end all. You have the primary relationship and you have lovers.
Well, the term ‘lover’ alone in America is cause for alarm. It’s not about love. But wait isn’t there love in this? Isn’t there? Okay what I would say to this thought is love is NOT finite. I do not have only a certain amount of love to give to someone. It is an endless, never-ending amount. Love only seems finite when in fact there is no love being returned. Loving someone doesn’t mean you want to marry them or keep them forever.
See, in my ideal world the love spills over and is shared with my kids, their loved ones, my loved ones (yes I said loved ones) and friends. It is an optimism I’ve never stopped having. There’s only been one lover along the way seven years ago. Everything was all hunky dory until a dear friend of theirs had a talk with them and used the word ‘lover’ in regards to me. As this word totally meant something else to them? Not long after this talk with their long time friend sadly they ended the relationship. Much to everyone’s dismay they then became involved immediately with someone who wanted a married relationship.
Love isn’t what you think it is and taking a lover is not just another term for ‘friend with benefits’. It’s a relationship just as a important as the main relationship. Plus there is not anything keeping the ‘lover’ from also having a lover. Therein lies the conundrum for most. It becomes a sense of ‘ownership’ over the person they are involved with.
This gets back to the beginning blog post about not having the right to another person. They are not your slave. They are not ‘owned’ by you by rights of a piece of paper. In fact this whole subject is a hot button topic at this point in time for most women. We are not chattel to be used for sex and only as baby making machines.
Breaking the choice of celibacy to take a lover on becomes a relationship choice. It’s not about sex at all, it’s about the relationship itself. No one person can complete another as much as this idea is romanticized. Eventually there is dissatisfaction. Those who say” this isn’t true! I’m so happy in my marriage, my committed relationship,etc”. My question to them is ‘how long have you been together?’
The answer is never “we’ve been together thirty or forty years”. Never. It’s usually under five years. Or the top number is seven. Usually with some digging it is discovered there has been a ‘stray off the path moment’.
There really isn’t a conclusion to make here. It’s really about making sure you are open and honest in the relationships you have. Your primary one and the one with your lover or lovers. Then, don’t take it for granted or treat them as if you have ownership over them.
In the end relationships are about making each other better than when you found each other. It’s not about tearing them down into pieces so small they can’t be put back together.