Personal journal 11/04/2016

Personal JournalNovember 4, 2016

 Art it consumes me. I look at the sky and am entranced by the layers of color, of movement above and the slowness below. White, yet so many shades of white, of grey, of blue and sometimes darkest of greys. They all call to me to ‘look!’ And so I do.

 Even in the midst of conversations I will look at the wall, at the construction of the bar or the wine lined up on the counter. I look and for a moment I am lost in the order, the lines, the shadows or the way the light sparkles on one, yet not another. I’m not always the best of conversationalist.

 In the group I attended for public speaking they call it talking ‘off the cuff’. I totally suck at it. To be asked a question, for my mind to computer what the question is, what an appropriate answer would be stretches my brain’s limits. Spontaneity isn’t my strong suit. I do so much better with planned speeches and poetry read in public. They are my own words which I created after all. They are already inside my brain simply waiting to pour out in a display of apparent emotion. Emotions I really do not find easy to express as this part is lost to me.

 I suppose one day it will become an easy thing. Practice is what is needed after all. So I push myself to engage in conversation even when I stop paying attention to stare behind them at the wine rack. Even when my mind is full of images I want to put into digital mixed media form. I push past all the uncomfortable to get to a place of becoming comfortable.

 If I can even make sense of what the conversation has been about that is.

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