I’m not sorry for my truths.
There I have said it. It seems, quite often, there are far too many entranced by the fun, the silly and the seemingly joyful. It’s entertaining and by gawd don’t you dare to be ‘negative’ or ‘down’ or tell us something we can’t possibly conceive as true.
I had the AUDACITY to survive and my truths have never been about making you comfortable.
When I began to dig deep to get well and discovered healing was in fact possible, I also found there were going to be the things hidden away which came to light. The smiles, the seeming joy on my face can hide a depth of sadness, of horror which cannot be understood. “How can this be?! This cannot be real. I don’t believe it! You are only trying to get attention. After all isn’t that what it’s all about?” That’s what those looking on have said. Those same people who put me up so high onto the out of reach pedestal.
I don’t care for your attention or your need to pull me into pieces which cannot be put together again.
My feet will always be made of clay. I didn’t ask to be up on this pedestal you created. I am not sorry for the truths who have made me who I am, who I will be and who I was.
The back of my business card has a personal mantra which sums up all that I am.
“After tragedies I became my own Super Hero and saved myself.”
This has not happened by staying comfortable and happy all the time. My reputation, the person I was before brain injury, was one of a straight shooter. I always said it like it was. Oftentimes to the dismay of those looking for answers they didn’t want to hear.
Tragedies forged a strong person and even within the strength I have the ongoing struggle of my grieving, my pain, of daily hurts, and of not wanting to keep fighting so damned hard. See, there is a clock inside me which always reminds me my time is finite. There is not enough time to do all I want to do. Maybe it’s another decade, maybe it’s another year or maybe it’s only today. The fact is no one has an answer.
What I know is I’m half a decade beyond what I should have been. Every day has been a gift offered and I want, no, I need to leave behind something of meaning. A legacy of ‘above and beyond’ is never going to be enough for me. I want more. I want to have a standard of pulling all the horror, all the darkness from where it hides and set it fucking free.
No one should ever share their truths to only be told “That doesn’t happen to someone like you. It can’t possibly be true.” Those truths needs to come to light and not be hidden under the ‘pretty’, the ‘silly’ or the ‘fun’. In the midst of all the secrets each person, man or woman, believes they are alone in their truths. So they hide them away using them to blame themselves when things go wrong. Or worse they blame others when things appear to go wrong in their lives. “It’s their fault, they caused this. They thought the wrong things, did the wrong things…they brought this on themselves.”
I was a high functioning ‘on the spectrum’ woman to begin with and brain injury didn’t fix this issue. I will probably never truly understand the interpersonal relationships others have except as an observer. In my own life I like continuity and purpose. When I hear the call of this purpose I want to follow it to it’s end. No matter what it takes. Even when this call takes me on a lonely path I will follow it to completion.
Sometimes this path tells me to have patience and all I can do is push through the impatience until I find the calm. Each path has held an experience I needed even when I did not want to have the experience. It’s all connected together to become this moment. Right here, right now.
“After tragedies I became my own Super Hero and saved myself.” See I don’t want to help you, care for you, save you, fix you or make it better for you.
I want you to save yourself.
There comes a moment in the darkness. I’ve written about it over and over these past eight years. It is about a decision which happened when I had enough. Enough of being down in the dirt, trapped in the mud unable to breathe. Enough of being in the dark where no one could even see I was there. There was a moment I finally chased myself down and dragged my broken body forward. This broken body which didn’t want to move. I pulled my body, my spirit, my heart and soul to the outer edge of the light where I could breathe again. I sat there finally able to take deep breaths and began to heal until I could stand.
Others had my back, continue to have my back. But until the moment happened, the one of decision? They were only silent sentinels observing me. I could surround myself with the happy’s, the positive’s all day long. But it was in the dark of the night I knew the truth of my struggle.
I was alone in this and I HAD to save myself.
My advice to anyone about how to find growth, how to find the strength to make it through this day or this night? This advice will always be the same. It’s not about finding the right person or the right job or the right house or any of the rights. My advice will always be simple and never change..
Have the audacity to survive.
Become your own Super Hero and save yourself.