Personal Journal, Pushing through the uncomfortable

Personal JournalOctober 18, 2016

      I’m working within a single palette of color. This is proving to be quite frustrating, irritating and all the ‘tatings’ you can list. This morning I realized it’s like the pictures of the paths with all the right handed turns. There is uncertainty when I try to figure out how long ago this was but I remember so clearly the day everything collided because of a left handed turn. So I choose instead to look at the album with it’s date stamped moments clearly from 2014.

      See, the right handed paths were soothing to my mind, my healing brain. No answers for the why of it, it simply was. I had multiple pictures of paths to look at when I was upset or had been triggered into a bad response while in public. I’d compiled them into an album with over 50 pictures of paths all leading to the right. All of them.

      If I’d scrolled across something which had a left handed path I became uncomfortable. My brain would freeze up and I would hurriedly scroll on past this picture on to another more calming one.

      The day everything collided I’d been at the oncologist’s office waiting room. The only seat available faced down the long hallway with the view of a painting at the end. I kept avoiding looking at it. I looked and looked at all the other things to look at until I saw a nurse coming down the hall towards the waiting area. I watched her and then was stuck looking at this painting with it’s left handed path. I was stuck in my seat, unable to move and wanted to close my eyes. Yet I was frozen, staring at this painting. It was as if a scramble happened inside my head. A roaring moment where everything collided and I could not get away from it.

      Was it perhaps triggering some very bad memory involving a path going to the left? I do not know. All I do know is the day it all collided something changed. Finally there was silence after the roaring storm of noise inside.

      Working within these single color theme palettes are causing a similar storm and I know it’s causing some upset in the groove I’m stuck in. Most days the work is calming, predictable even when it contains unexpected moments. These have much of the surprising things which happen with color even though I know what happens when I layer in colors on top of each other. It’s the unpredictable though I keep finding. Perhaps it is this which causes the upset.

      All I know is I won’t stop pushing forward through the uncomfortable until I find what is on the other side. I wont’ stop and there is a depth of certainty within me where I know without doubt. I cannot stop.

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