September 16, 2016Friday
The poetry project is over for this year and it’s a relief in so many ways. All the digging back into the past, rereading journals, diaries and creating emotional poetry has been difficult. To say the least. Well least? I dunno about that!
In most ways it was really wonderful to see how far I’ve come. Reading about how much pain I had been in for years. Reading about how much I had been hiding from everyone and even more that I did not share opened my eyes. The days I feel I am not strong seem kind of silly now. I read the journals written while I was still trying to work while in so much pain. Days where I could not wait to get home, take my pain medication and go straight to bed had become the norm for me. That I could work at all was insane. Then when the doctor prescribed pain meds beyond the pain meds and said I would not be able to work until surgery? Well, this is when I finally gave in, gave up.
There is a place we break and my body had totally broken inside. My mind was trying to push past the pain and this was impossible. It is perhaps why I get so angry at those who belittle other’s pain. They have no clue what it is like and if someone is complaining? It’s highly likely they are going through much worse pain than they are telling you about.
This past emergency room trip was my reminder I was pushing too hard again. It was the reminder my body is trying heal itself a bit voraciously in its eagerness to fill in all the spaces. It’s trying desperately to fill in all the inner hurts. This task is taking it’s toll and I now have to do my part in a gentle manner.
Rereading all those journals, blog entries helped me to understand how much stronger I am than I realize. This is not always a good thing. It’s no wonder people would tell me “you are the strongest woman I know.”
What happens when the strong break?
This is perhaps a subject for another time.