Day 4 of September, “Year Five”

Day 4 of September
From the Hope Within The Storm Collection

Of the PTSD Poetry Project 2016

Day 15 of 22

“Year Five”

Life has moved on

Since you died

All think I did too

I seemed to move one

Remarried on paper

Career in place

Work consuming me

Until there was nothing else

Health sliding down a slippery slope

Yet I did not care

For there was nothing else now

Only me

Only my work

Only my lonely life

Life has moved on

Without you in it

I smile a bit more freely

I hide my loss of hair

With long braids added in

No one notices

Preferring to see me as

What they call “high maintenance”

I get my nails done

The way I used to do

I wear my mask of make up

I work out

I lift weights

I eat

Then don’t eat

Then eat

Then don’t eat

In a consuming spiral

Of activities

All contrived

To keep thoughts of you at bay

Yet the autumn arrives again

I cannot avoid


All those last times

I didn’t know would be the last

Last kiss

Last embrace

Last touch

Last look

The autumn arrives

Bringing back memories

I pushed away this past year

So I could breathe

So I could live

So I could excel in my life

Without you in it

I am faced yet again

By the headstone I avoid

The autumn arrives

I find I am not ready

I do not want to grieve

Yet again

I do not want to think

Thoughts of you

I do not want to think

Of how you were not there

To save me

Of how I could not save myself

I do not want to think

During the beauty of the autumn leaves

Of those moments

I lost everything

Of how in the autumn

I lost you

I lost him

I lost me

Under the shadow of the autumn leaves

Every dream I had was taken

Every wish I’d had was gone

Underneath the canopy of red, gold and brown

All I had been was taken

Until there was nothing left

Of the hero

I used to be


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