Day 16 of 31 days in August
The PTSD Poetry Project 2016
“The Hummingbird & The Pain”
My body complaints are ignored
As I stare out the window
It is a late hot summer
Yet this morning is very cool
I see a hummingbird
It flits from flower to flower
In it’s endless quest for nectar
I’ve stepped outside this morning
The coolness surprising me
It was so very hot outside yesterday
I had become immediately exhausted
My body is a petulant tired child
I am ignoring full force
As I watch this lovely small bird
Listen to me! My body shouts
I watch the bird darting in and out of flowers
Take notice of me! I’m hurting!!
I will my mind to slow down
Until all I see are micro movements
Of this hummingbird dipping it’s long beak into a white flower
The tea kettle gets my outer attention
As I turn to make tea
I notice my hip hurts
My legs ache
My heel is throbbing
Each step hurts the bottom of my feet
I make tea and ignore all of this
Later I will shower and put on make up
I will gnore the flip of my tired eyes as I line them
I will dress and put on high heeled boots
In total disregard for the ‘standard’ of flat shoes
I think back to this hummingbird
Flitting in and out of the huge bush of flowers
In the mere moment of watching
There was nothing else
But this tiny hummingbird
And the joy in my heart of seeing it
This late in the hot summer season
August 16, 2016
A hummingbird darts from flower to flower and my heart soars to see this tiny bird again. It is the first of the season and it’s quite cool outside. The starlings have already gotten their winter plumage and as the temperatures have been soaring I wonder what they know that I don’t know. Is the winter to come a difficult one? Now it’s cool enough, the flowers are blooming on the Rose of Sharon tree and the hummingbirds are here. The aforesaid tree should be called a bush but it is now taller than the house which I’d say this makes it a tree. It is heavy with huge white blossoms and the hummingbird moves from flower to flower dipping it’s long beak inside.
I stand transfixed as I’ve been looking each morning, each afternoon and evening to see these tiny birds. I’ve wondered when they would show or would I never see them this season. Should I have encouraged them by putting out sugar water? All those questions flit away as I watch the tiny bird going from flower to flower. For a moment I’m lost in what I see and my mind slows down the wings, the bird and I can see each micro movement inside my head. Then it speeds up again and I’m back to seeing it move at it’s normal high speed.
I turn to get the kettle for my hot tea and my body reminds me it is not happy right now. I give it a mere fleeting second of acknowledgement before pushing through this reminder. Always the petulant child this body of mine. “I hurt! This hurts to move! Sit down, go back to bed! I’m not going to cooperate! I’m stopping right here!” It doesn’t matter how stubborn it is, I am more stubborn. I will wear my high heeled boots, I will walk and walk and walk until I am sweating from the exertion. I will run when I am able and I will continue to lift when it’s not too hot to do so.
There will be a day when I will not win this fight against my body. I know this in the deepest reaches of my mind. I know this without a doubt. But I also know there will always be a way to live my life in spite of the M.S. trying constantly to hold me back. My own history with M.S. tells me there can be very bad times for a time, sometimes years, until they become good times again.
For now I stand in the kitchen ignoring the complaints of my body and watch the hummingbird I didn’t think to see this late in the season of the summer.