Day 13 of 31 Days in August, “Exiting Coma Land” 

Day 13 of 31 Days in August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project 2016


“Exiting Coma Land”


The long dark sleep

This is how I’ve seen

My struggling brain

For three and a half years

Small moments of waking

But not fully awake

My body complains loudly

As I push it

While waiting for my mind to stir

I stumble, but do not fall

I stutter, bite my tongue

My eyes tire

Will not focus

Or wiggle back and forth

My mind wakes up more

Then rests for awhile

Just to gets it’s bearings

I push my body

To see how far it will go

As I wait for my mind

My brain to recover

I sweat profusely

Sometimes in the night

I wake to a sweat covered body

With a mind going wild with remembrances

It has been exhausting

This path of my choice

I could have remained complacent

Stayed happy right where I was

Days which never changed

Hours passing and I never moved

Yet I chose to push my brain

I chose to push my body

I was determined

To wake my brain from it’s coma

Or I would die in the process

Knowing I had not given up

My brain is flexing itself

Making itself known

This is what I remember

Of who I used to be

A non complacent person

Who never 

Never gives up

***



August 13, 2016 

Personal journal

      Some days it is as if I can feel the synapses snapping inside my brain. If this is the right term. See this is where I can get so obsessed with if I said the right word, thought the right word or wrote the right word. Yesterday was one of the days when I knew without doubt I had truly experienced additional healing. I watched an enormous flock of birds sitting on an electrical station outside the building I was in at chess night. My mind was staring at the birds, so many birds. Yet at the same time it was putting forth all this information about birds, energy of the electricity and more.

      What kind of birds were these? They were all these same. Very different birds from the same type of installation where I run. I watched as they flew out in circles for some of the last of the night flights. My mind was overrun with knowledge about why they do this, who is is leading them, the patterns of the flight and all kinds of other information. Then the pictures of articles about electrical current, energy and birds began going through like an old library film. Zooming past then stopping periodically with the ‘article’ I’d seen, God knows when, highlighted so I could read it. All inside my head.

      More and more information. My brain is waking up and flexing itself.

      In the midst of this incredible deep breathe in of my brain, my body is struggling each day. Yesterday was a ‘good day’ with a walk/jog to start the day. I was able to keep going for well over 12 hours and long into the 18th hour before my body’s exhaustion knocked me down. I’ve stumbled, bitten my tongue (literally), choked on my own spit a few times, my hand had spasms several times, and seen without doubt my nystagmus flaring because I am so tired.

      Yet my mind is awakening from the long slumber it’s been in because of being injured. It’s had stages of waking up little by little. I’ve pushed at it, poked at it to make it wake up. It’s not been the easiest of endeavors to pursue.

      My body? Now this is a different animal all together. I push and I push until it responds and pushes back. Sometimes my body responds in a positive manner with the one I was intending for it to do. Yet other times it responds to let me know it is being pushed too far, too hard and it’s had enough. I try, I really do try to listen to these moments. But it’s almost like listening to a petulant child who if I give in to this whining will only do this again and again. So I rest a moment, then push again in spite of the ‘whining’ of my body.

      Whinging and whining, this petulant child which is my body continues to complain and let me know it’s not happy with this continued path. It’s had enough already! Yet I am only ready to listen when the complaint is valid and not just to get my attention so it can complain some more.

      In the meantime I marvel at my brain’s ability to process information in a way it hasn’t in the last three and a half years. I am finally fully waking up to myself and I never want to fall back into the dark land of the coma again.

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