Day 11 of 31 Days in August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project 2016
I crave the silence
Like a drug
I seek it
The constancy of total silence
Inside my head
Inside the room
The buzzing has abated
Healing, slow but sure
Moves towards the quiet
Any pain in my body
Ramps up the noise
Or at least noise is what I call it
A dull roar is what it used to be
Anything added in?
Was like being in room full of shouting people
All at once
Before this ….thing
This disease I live with
Before this fall that knocked me backwards in time
There was always the quiet
But the waves crest and become noise filled moments
As they recede there is only the silence
I ache for these moments
Of the blessed quiet
Sometimes being in an empty room
Will allow me to hear
Is there still noise inside my brain
Healing brings the absolute quiet
The cool silence
Where all the creativity lives
I dive deep into this ocean of the quiet
I sit at the shore in the water as it rushes in
And pulls back out
Leaving only the silence.
August 11, 2016
The quiet is a welcome friend in the land of constant noise. It seems a simple destination for the most part. Yet this disease and the brain injury bring other issues of noise. The noise of the constant buzzing from the brain injury. The noise of the constant low end pain day to day all combine to make a landscape full of noise. The smallest of things will set off the noise. Tooth pain? Noise. Blistered heel? Noise.
The noise is distracting. Pure simple and I couldn’t get away from it. It was as if along with the injury inside my brain the volume had turned up the white noise. Anything on top of it was too much. It drove me to live with earbuds stuck in my ears in an environment of my own making.
In some ways the M.S. had been like this. There had been a constant low level of pain noise in my body until it finally receded for years on end. I would wake up expecting this noise and it would not be there. Years of this beauty of the quiet. A quiet like no other. This summer has been a particular trial of symptoms caused by the extreme heat. The noise which had been abating began to turn back up. Then a bit of dental issues added to this and the noise was in my face. I couldn’t get away from it didn’t want to deal with it.
Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. I didn’t want to deal with it, needed to. It’d already been dealt with it should be fixed, right?! But no, now I had more pain again and it needed to be dealt with. I’d had so much tension in my jaw I was not aware of until the dentist fixed this issue. It was immediate the relief.
And the noise it had been causing was finally silenced.