Day 10 of 31 Days in August, “Alarms”

Day 10 of 31 Days in August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project 2016


“Alarms”


My wrist buzzes

It’s time to wake up

Did I take a nap?

It’s light outside

What time is it?

I look at the watch to see it is morning

I’d gotten up in the night

For hours I’d been wake

I’d gone to bed far too early

Now it is morning

Time to let dogs out

Time to take a shower

Time to put on make up

Time to start the day

Alarms ruled and still rule my day

Previous alarms were numerous

Sometimes confusing me

What was this one for?

Was it time to eat?

To drink?

To work out?

To go somewhere?

My calendar and alarms are still my best friends

They tell me what to do

Where to go

Who to see

They are fewer now

This indicates my ability to remember on my own

Something I am proud of

Some days I am still forgetful

Most days I am grateful for their presence

Other days I am impatient towards them

This is who I am

A woman whose life is ruled by alarms

Although they are fewer in number

They will always be present

They will always guide me through my days

The good days

The bad days

Always my constancy

To rule and guide me

So I can relax in the moment

So I can just be free

Until the next alarm

Reminds me of where to be

***



August 10, 2016

Personal journal

      Bed called me too early last night causing me then wake far too early in the morning. I heated up water for tea, ate toast with some meat, watched some HBO then fell back asleep awaking after my wrist alarm went off. I’d already made my bed, thinking I was going to stay up. So I woke feeling groggy as if I’d laid down for a nap. The curtains were lit up from behind with the morning light. I had to remind myself it was now morning and it was trash day.

      More hot tea, hot shower and make up put on, I’m finally truly ready to face my day. It’s full of creativity and the agony of waiting on the post man to arrive. It’s funny in some ways as I have no sense of passing of time.

      I use a lot of alarms to keep me on point. Alarms in my phone, alarms in the 2nd phone which is with me 100% of the time. Alarms to guide me through my day. It’s a conundrum some days. Used to I had all these alarms set up and no memory of what they were for. I would forget to eat, the irony of this act causing my weight to go up. So alarms to eat, to drink (can’t do this at the same time) to work out, to watch specific live streamers who had great schedules. Of course there were also the ones reminding me to get up each morning and to go to bed at a set time.

     My life had become a series of schedules. All those alarms trying desperately to get a broken brain back on track. Sometimes I did feel like I was a train which had derailed somewhat and if only, if only I could get myself fully back onto those tracks? All would be well again. The train of my life now runs on a schedule which changes day to day. It is more fluid and not so strict. My wheels on this train are not so smooth and have days they cause an outright bumpy ride.

     Scheduling myself, choosing to do so and making the choice of what that schedule would be is how I got to this place of healing. It was a slow, steady road not dependent upon the M.S. being a ‘good day’. Slow and steady has gotten me to where I am by sheer stubbornness to not give up. I wasn’t willing to give up on myself. Even when everyone else had? I couldn’t, wouldn’t, wasn’t going to give up on me.

      Alarms are fewer now. I have days I don’t even use them except when I know I have to be somewhere specific at a certain time. Some days alarms are only to remind me to get out of bed so I can run on the good days. This is the life I had hoped to make mine again.

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