Day 9 of 31 Days in August, “Constant Exhaustion”

Day 9 of 31 Days in August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project 2016

“The Constant Exhaustion”


Startled I look up

Geese land in the water

Graceful geese splash

So expert in their landing

Sunlight sparkles off the droplets

Caused by the geese landing in the water

I walk and walk and walk

My dog trots ahead

Her nose to the ground

She follows scents only she can smell

I watch her wander

My mind has awareness

Of how tired my body is

Yet I walk and walk this morning

I push myself to pay attention

Listen to my body

Listen to my steps

Listen to my surroundings

My body tiredness turns my foot inward

Already a blister is forming

I feel the burn at the back of my heel

Frustration and irritation begins to form

The heat is taking it’s toll

I push through my irritation

I smile at strangers

But startle as one touches my arm

I force a quick smile

Instead of striking out

My instinct to protect myself

Still rising up when least expected

I continue to smile as I go out the door

The heat already rearing its head

I push through the wall of heat

Get into my car

I lean back, close my eyes

My body is utterly exhausted

This heat causing this constant state

I stretch and ready myself to drive

I push in spite of tiredness

In spite of utter exhaustion

I refuse to be held back

Even as my body constantly

Fights to remind me

Of this constant exhaustion

***

August 9, 2016

Personal journal

       The lake area is gorgeous this morning and I see two flocks of Canadian geese fly in to land. The splash causes sunlight to spew upward and sparkles in a display making me wish I’d had my phone out to catch the picture. I urge my dog to move on as she skitters away from the geese. Smart that one, as geese are so often quite nasty and attack at certain times of the year. We walk and I’m aware of my body already feeling exhausted.

       The shoes I’m wearing are causing a blister already on my right foot. This smaller one which always causes me such grief. The heel is more narrow and there causes friction each time I wear exercise shoes which have too low a rise in the back. I ignore it as sweat is making it’s slow roll down my back. The latch is undone allowing my dog to run free. She moves back and forth to the soft commands of “left…right” and sometimes her nose is too full so she too ignores me.

      I see two men fishing and they’re pulling out a fish of some size. I’m uncertain of what kind it is or if they will toss it back all sportsmanlike or keep it to eat. The glance quickly at me and the dog running free. She’s got no interest in going up to them which is a blessing to us all. She and I move on walking back and forth.

      Eventually we go up a small hill to the electrical station and she approaches the fence only to keep herself back. I walk on until I notice the signs stating “high voltage”. Then, only then do I notice the wiring connecting all the upper wires to the lower ones on the fence. The junction boxes. It is then I’m aware she’d hear the hum of the electricity and not gone forward. I call her back to me and clip her long lead back on. I need to pay better attention as this could have ended badly.

       We get back to the car and I notice my dog’s mouth is foaming as if she’d licked a toad in the backyard. The water she drank must have had frog slime. Ugh. I wipe her mouth off and head back home as she finally lays down and is quiet the short trip to get to the house.

        Later after I’ve showered the sweat continues to pour off me. The house is so cool, I feel it on my skin. Why am I sweating, it’s is pouring down my back and I realize I am overheated, irritable beyond belief. I keep wiping the sweat off the whole while thinking the shower was wasted. This is the sweat of pure water coming off me and I finally throw off my robe and stand naked in front of the fan until my body cools down.

       I know I will be very body tired later and need to rest or go to bed early again. This is becoming a regular activity for me. It will eventually cool down and then I will be too cold all the time. But I look ahead to the additional three months to my appointment to get blood drawn. I have a lot of work to do between now and then.

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