Day 6 of 31 Days in August, “Not Gonna Stop” 

Day 6 of 31 Days in August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project


“Not Gonna Stop”


Oh my head!

Needles must be stabbing me inside

Maybe ..maybe …

I am hungover

But wait, I cannot possibly be

This is impossible

Too many things to do

I must keep moving forward

This pain in my head

It must simply be ignored

I have things to do!

Stumbling around the house

My body lets me know it is hurting too

I still have things to do!!

It’s my official ‘day off’

Yet there is still work to do

I look in the mirror

Shocked to see I’d fallen asleep in make up

I shower and feel refreshed

Get dressed, get made up

Get out that damned door!

Drive and go where I need to go

Get all those bags of work together and go!

There is not any sense of what I assume to be fear

Fear of new things

I embrace them

Fear of the unknown

I face it down

Fear ..

I don’t think I really know what it is anymore

So I continue to move forward recognizing

These things I’d have been afraid of before

I stand them down

And keep moving

In spite of sometimes feeling

Like I am slogging through a bog

I will eventually break free

Then I will see how far it will take me

How high will I fly?

***


August 6, 2016

Personal journal

      My head feels as if needles are stabbing into it. I think for a moment “perhaps I am hungover” then realize I only had a third of a bottle of beer so it’s pretty much impossible. Too many things to do today with a steady flow forward until I can finally just rest for a bit. Take a breather then move forward again.

      I stumbled around the house to let my dog outside while feeling the deep ache in my hips, the burn at the back of my ankles. In spite of all this I do feel rested. It had been a busy day, busy night and ended with watching a series on Netflix until I fell asleep. I only woke briefly when my daughter let my dog into my room.

      I woke earlier than usual with the achy head, achy body and a strong need to pee. In the bathroom I looked in the mirror and saw I’d slept in my make up. Bad girl! Bad girl! Later, later I will wash it off in the shower.

      This is the last day of the week full of a lot of changes, pushing my comfort zone very hard. I am determined to see it through until these changes became my new ‘norm. Get out, walk, visit with people, look them in the eye and say “hello”. Get out and be part of the things I choose to be part of. The other difficult issue I had was having to make a list of everything I was involved in, then make changes. This involved checking my Facebook account to find it had been hacked. Apparently this has been doing around and is based in Taiwan. I don’t understand this at all.

      But no matter, I moved on with dealing with it. Moved on instead of staying stuck in the upset of it. Well, frankly I don’t feel the frustration or fear regarding that type of thing at any rate. There’s a lot of things which seem to be absent from my mind regarding emotions. The fear of public speaking is gone. I may have a ‘trembly’ moment but then I get going with it and whatever the trembly moment is leaves.

      Moving forward, pushing back at all the things I know I was afraid of before seem to be the ticket to heading in the right direction. I’m not going to stop pushing myself, I’m just not.

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