Day 5 of 31 Days in August, “Waiting Around”

Day 5 of 31 Days in August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project

#PPProject2017 


————

“Waiting Around”


Waiting is exhausting

The heat of this summer is exhausting

And yet

I keep waiting

I’m not even sure

What it is I’m waiting for

Is it….?

I’m uncertain

Perhaps this is where I push further

Push beyond my comfort zones

All of them

Push my body

Push my brain

Push my creativity

I want to see where this will go

What depths have been untapped

Creative wells surge beneath my surface

They wait for the next rush of explosion

The excitement of waiting

Is exhausting

As I wait self doubt creeps in

Am I good enough?

Will I flounder?

Will I fail?

Will I…..succeed?

I continue to push forward

In spite of waiting around

Comfort zones niggle in my head

Reminding me they are there

I do not care

I will continue to move forward

Even if I have to drag my exhausted body

Through this humid mud

Move move move

There is no other choice for me

Creativity swells up inside

And I am determined

To answer it’s call

***


August 5, 2017 

Personal journal

      I keep waiting. The irony is I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. The waiting is exhausting, the heat is causing a flare of the M.S. My brain is so tired and today is Chess Club day. I’ve not remembered enough to participate in the ‘fun’ competition of the big club night so I’ll focus on the smaller familiar group. My body is exhausted, my brain is exhausted and my hands are aching from drawing so much in the past three days.

      Tonight is an art gallery walk I want to go to and I’m hoping I will not have to go it alone. There is a part of me which says “stay home, relax, get rested” but the other part says ‘there is always Saturday to rest.” I sometimes feel all I do is wait for the day I can rest, truly rest and recover then wake up refreshed. I do have those days and yet it seems lately all I have been doing is push myself beyond any reasonable limits.

     There is more ahead in this next week I want to do. My plan consumes me and I really don’t want to fail this plan. So far it’s hit some bobbled moments of stumbling along while still moving forward. It will all turn out okay and I know this truth. It is simply that I am over tired from the heat and pushing past my comfort zones.

      Yesterday’s night I’d slept so well, so deeply, got up and drove to the lake park to jog with my dog. It was gorgeous and invigorating. This morning after sleeping fitfully I’m sore and after checking my pedometer app I did three times as much as normal. As I woke up I thought about the moments last night of sitting with other artists while we all sketched. I was the only digital artist. So this is an interesting thing right there. I was able to do what I couldn’t before. Sketch the reference lines, then go in and begin creating the color work.

      Being able to push past the lines, head towards a finished piece and be in the presence of other artists was a needed activity. I’ve missed this. The live streaming has only served to fuel my creativity in a way which frustrates me. It causes me to feel the empty spot of connection. This time, however, instead of continuing to feel this loss I am pushing myself to rediscover this connection.

      Instead of hanging around existing, waiting I have decided to push myself and see what it is I am waiting for.

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