Day 2 of 31 Days in August, “Change Can Astound”

Day 2 of 31 Days of August
The Chronic Illness Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project

“Change Can Astound”


My arm stretches above my head

As it comes back down

I see the shaking of my hand

The trembling of what I ignore

I am still here!

It tells me when I most want to forget

I have things to do

Plans to create

To write with this trembling hand

Which fatigues so easily

Sit up

Open the curtains

Let the dogs out

Get on with the schedule

Get a move on!

My hand cramps as I walk through the house

This hand which I depend on

Is always undependable

The side of my heel aches and burns as I walk

Causing me to trip myself every few steps

I let the dogs out

I feel impatient

I take a deep breath

Remember who you are

Breathe, just breathe

You can do this

Change is not a bad thing

Change is empowering

Remember who you are

Breathe deep

And astound yourself

By being who you are

And always have been

You’re almost there

Just breathe

***


August 2, 2016

Personal journal

      Waking up I stretched and stared at my right hand which was trembling to start my day. This heat is exhausting me and causing a flare of symptoms. It is as if my brain is confused and my left hand will grab for things when I could have sworn my right hand was going to. Some of this is the fall out from sketching so much and using the left hand in addition to the right hand.

      I lay on my back, turn my head to stare at the curtains with all the sunlight peeking around the edges. My life with Multiple Sclerosis (M.S.) has been pretty charmed in most ways. I have had all the hills and valleys until the valley became one long valley. Then I was pulled out of it onto the top of the hill with it’s huge expanse of plateau. Every time these flare ups happen I think “this is it, I better start planning for the worst”.

      Stress adds to it of course. The stress of a lot of changes and new things. Plus this is one of the busiest weeks in months. Today can only be a short breather until the drive begins again. New schedule for my day, new activities and opportunities are open to me. I dare not back down and I can’t afford to fall apart either. So today I create my plan, expanding on the one I already have so I can have a countdown to the first goal.

      Money is always the biggest stressor. Will there be a way to stretch the tiny amount I have? Will it be enough? Will the unexpected trip me up as it always has in the past? Will I ever have enough to just breathe without strangling? Believing there will be enough often seems like magical thinking like it will create money out of the air or it will grow on trees hidden away by the lake.

      As I get up I feel the burning in my heel yet again. So another day off from running. It’s less than the day before and the day before that. It’s improving and I can always lift when it’s not over 90 in the garage. No matter what I will always focus on my arms to get the strength should I ever need it to use the wheelchair again. This always..always haunts my thoughts. All those preparations for the ‘what ifs’ and how will I do..(fill in the blank) ? Those can exhaust me.

      What’s funny is the brain injury kind of took all those worries away. I never even thought about the M.S. Until this last brain healing surge. Then the memory of what it had been like, what I’d been through was back full force. As my brain injury site now causes me pain, like stabbing pins inside my head I wonder what is next?

      I move on through my day preparing for the rest of my week as tomorrow is a big day for me. I can only look ahead I can’t keep turning around to see what the past was. It’s not constructive at all. There is only the now, this moment nothing else but now and tomorrow.

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