Day 29 of 31 Days in July, “Fire in the Rain”

Day 29 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project

“Fire in the Rain”

Noise so loud I wake immediately

Sounds like gunshots

But more

There is crackling

Bringing memories of the fire when I was 17

I throw open curtains

My dog jumps up to look outside too

I care not I am in a bra and pj bottoms

Fire erupts in a shower of sparks

The wind is a near gale

Trees bending and breaking

Rain is streaking down

A hard relentless rain

Thunder and lightening

Are offset by the bright light of electric fire

Not put out by the hard rain

I am transfixed by the show

Is this what happened inside my brain?

Is this what it was like on a much smaller scale?

That day, that terrible night

Is this what happened when part of my brain died?

This shower of electric fire which was put out

In a momentary accident

Is this the surge which brings back life to my injured brain?

This firestorm which is not put out by the rain?

I stand in the window

In pajama bottoms and a bra

Petting my dog

And ponder as I watch the incredible show

Of fire in the rain


July 29, 2016

Personal journal

      Loud noises wake me. My dogs jumps up and we go to the window. I open the window curtains to see sparks and fire flying above the trees. Alarmed I call 911 as the transformer 2 houses down is shooting fire now. My dog is jumping up to see outside until the loudest noise of all as it erupts in a shower of sparks and explosion. She nearly knocks me down as she jumps up trying to get her big dog self into my arms.

      The fire department drive up on the street behind the house and then I hear them roll up on our street too. What a way to start Friday. I watch out the back window as sparks still fly and think about electrical connections. If the brain is all about the electrical connections, synapses misfiring what happens when connections don’t quite work. Is it like this transformer inside my head? All sparks flying with intermittent connections made?

      It’s now 5 pm and still no electricity. My mind is still mulling over this idea of sparks inside of my head. When I had this most recent healing surge it was as if there was an explosion of light somewhere inside my head. Not behind my eyes but inside my head. It distracted me during the chess game I was playing at the time. Then all the memory rolled in at once with all the emotions attached. I wandered around and felt so sad, so lonely and then the fear began and I left.

      It kept me inside the house for a few days with only small ventures outside. All these memories of threat and the fear associated with them. After some time of digging through old journals to remind myself, or maybe put it into perspective, I discovered this was from about three and half years ago. It was a period of about three years time all rolled into one. It was almost like a loud echo which took days and days to become small and far away until it faded away into nothingness.

      Perhaps this was due to something like the electrical current finding a new pathway. I tried to imagine it this way as I stared outside at the flames shooting upward in a spray of sparks in the rain. The rain was not going to put this out and neither was the fire inside of my brain. It did settle down, eventually. A new pathway has been forged, there are still some holes I’m aware of hidden away. But this is okay. I’m finding it is okay to not remember every detail as this is actually not normal.

      I think life with eidetic memory has made my standards a bit too high. I expect I’ll remember it all in stark detail which is not realistic at all. So I stand looking out the window, petting my dog’s back to comfort her and marvel at the electrical show in the rain.

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