Day 26 of 31 Days in July, “Possibility” 

Day 26 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project


“Possibility”


Ability to learn

This had left me

The day everything changed

I would try

And try

And try

To no avail

Focus! You can do it!

Hold on to it!

It’s getting away!

As I fought to hold on

It simply slipped into the abyss

Reading to learn

This was also gone

I knew the words

Read the words

But to remember the words?

This had left too

Familiarity became my forte

Dig deep to find all I’d already learned

Push to hang on to these things

Sometimes the effort took it’s toll

I’d sleep all afternoon

Due to my brain’s exhaustion

I tried so hard to hold on to it all

I would wake up

Discover it had all slipped away

Oh so recently this changed

Something created a new connection

Memory is rolling back into my existence

Learning is now an exciting possibility

Reading could again be part of who I am

Possibility has risen to the surface

And taken a deep breath of air

I look forward to meeting her

This part of me called possibility


***

July 26, 2016

Personal journal

      I’d thought the ability to learn new things was gone. Really gone and had been, for the longest time, focusing on all the things I already knew. This last brain surge of healing though has changed everything.

      Staying with the familiar has been the easiest of activities for me. I could dig deep to discover all that I’d known, things I’d already learned and try to hang on to this information. But I chose to acquire something totally out of my realm and to attempt to learn something new. Then the most unexpected thing happened.

      I learned something new very quickly.

      It’s with excitement this door has been opened. Possibility now enters my existence in a way it really hadn’t before. To learn something totally out of my realm means I could push my mind again. I’ve not even read a book in the longest time. This is because I really wasn’t able to retain the information or the story. This is ironic as I’m writing a book with a plot, plot twist, characters to keep track of. But there was a point I kind of abandoned them too. It was the attitude of “why am I even bothering with this!” And the realization I was having trouble keeping track of all that I needed to after a certain point while writing.

      Reading, now this is something which has always been part of my life. It was a joy, an escape like no other. Ever since third grade, the earliest I can recall reading for fun, books have been an integral part of who I am. Read to escape. Read to learn new things. Read for classes. Read for work. Read, read, read.

      I signed up for the adult version of the summer reading program last year. I did so well with my reading and listening to audio books I won a prize. This year I signed up, got one book, didn’t finish it. Today I realize maybe, just maybe I could read and remember what I’d read. This seems like it should be simple. I’ve even been told “I’m sure you learn things all the time.” No one really understood my reality.

      I’d lost the ability to learn and retain information.

      So I’m curious. Will I be able to learn, retain new information. My eidetic memory is flexing itself in huge ways so will this ability work hand in hand with it? I can only try it out and see.

      So I bought something new I was unfamiliar with and learned how to use it. Some would say this is frivolous. I would say this is astounding and exciting. I look forward to flexing this new ‘muscle’ of mine to see how far I can go with it. There are endless possibilities now and I can look forward to these next months with excitement.

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