Day 24 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project
“The Fight For Me”
Knock knock knock
I hear this outside my window
I peek out as a young woodpecker flies away
My plans were like this
They knocked inside my head asking
Did you forget us?
I was merely taking a long breath
I had not forgotten
A year goal
I had put this goal upon myself
This goal I had met with joy in my heart
In the rush of breaking the ribbon for the win
My brain had it’s own surge
It knocked me down
Right after the win of my year
I couldn’t breathe
I almost couldn’t move
All the moments forgotten crashed down at once
Emotions, memories crashed and crashed and crashed
I was stuck in this riptide I could not break free of
Yet I did break free and surfaced to breathe deep
I struggled to the beach
Dragged myself up onto the boulders and turned around
All of those moments were there for me to see
I can keep walking forward
I can push for more and more from myself
My slow and steady plan got me to the win
I have finally broken the ribbon
Goal met, now more ribbons to break
I have finally circled back to me
And broken free of all that was behind me
July 24, 2016
Plans knock at my consciousness like the random woodpecker knocking on the side of the house. Did you forget about me? This is what they say to me. No I wasn’t forgetful I was merely taking a breather. See, I had a year long plan. A much interrupted plan it was. But my slow, steady approach got me to the first goal, the second, the third, and so on until I met the one year goal.
Sometimes when we hit that ribbon of the win it’s almost a let down. I know this seems kind of ridiculous. I should feel happy, accomplished, right? I do, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely, hands down feel wonderful about meeting my goal. Having done this I can move on to the next year’s goal beginning with a six week plan.
The let down happened when right on the heels of the goal date I had the brain healing surge. Then the high I had from the healing surge got squashed beneath all the horrible memory flood which happened. This is something I rarely read about anywhere. This ‘flood’ of memories which come back all at once in this overwhelmingly crushing sensation. I’d pushed so hard to remember lost years and to get my eidetic memory to come back full force. Or at least a semblance of it so this was very unexpected. No one ever talks about this so I was not prepared. But by the second day I understood it and wanted to work through it.
There has been a lot of hard work involved in the willingness to be vulnerable to myself. I had to look at myself in the mirror each day, remind myself ‘this IS me’ and accept this was where I was for now. Change I knew I could make happen in my body, this is a given. It simply was going to take time to get the change to happen. Slow, steady, a course walked without ceasing. So I embarked upon this journey to get to a body goal and along the way a brain goal.
Yes, a ‘brain goal’.
There was a lot involved. Writing every single day without ceasing. Rereading those words to remind myself of those days I had no memory of. They were days which passed and all I knew is there was today, this moment. That was it. Writing it all down was a way to be able to go back and see what had happened that day, where I had gone. It’s a type of documentation which was very familiar to me. Now it’s spilled over into making sure I put everything into my planner. If something important needed to be noted, it’s there. I invested in multitudes of small spiral notebooks to take notes in. Dated, noted, and names written down. Each time I went somewhere I’d been before I’d get it out, reread the names of those I’d met.
Grocery shopping lists were a task which challenged my memory as did so many other things I could write about. Lists, remembering the list seems like no big deal. But for someone who used to look at a list and remember it all like a photograph inside my mind? This was a big deal.
This last surge of healing has brought with it a few moments of confirmation that something big has changed inside my head. Things I’d always struggled with and always escaped me are right there now. Remembering has a different aspect for me. My memory is who I am. The strength of it, the beauty of it inside my head has always been this incredible core of myself. For it to be gone, to get lost going anywhere, was unthinkable and depressing in so many ways. It’s come back in small chunks, each time becoming larger chunks. This time it is subtle as if the camera lens has been adjusted to a sharper, clearer view.
With this better view, once I’d worked through the wave of lost memories, I find the confidence I’d worked to regain is still there. It’s different though, as if the lens adjusted to a better, stronger confidence level.
I smile today because I WANT to, not because I am stress smiling. Sometimes I’m even going to frown. What a wonderful place this is to rediscover! I look forward to this continued fight to grow strong again. Because in the end? I will never give up the fight for me, never.