Day 21 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project
“The Healing Brain”
Determination to get back
Back to me
The me I used to be
What am I?
Who am I?
Who was I?
Do these matter?
Does any of it matter anymore?
Healing flooded my mind
Memories I wished had stayed lost in the abyss
These roared back in a tidal wave
I simply stopped moving
These memories overwhelmed me
Crowding together inside my head
They screamed for my attention
I stopped moving
I gave in
I let them run their course
It took ten days
Until the fear settled down
From the block of time I’d lost
The thunderstorm eased
I could finally convince myself
I was safe again
I could finally believe
I was safe
These are only memories
They can no longer hurt me
I am stronger now
I have defeated the fear
July 21, 2016
Today is the first day in over ten days I’m feeling somewhat ‘back to normal’. On it’s heels is this determination inside myself to not let go of what is important to me. This requires some introspection about myself, my life as it is right now. What am I about, who am I really?
It no longer matters to me who I was before brain injury. This is perhaps the giant step in my healing process. I finally understand it doesn’t matter who I was, all that matters is who I am now. The person I have become and am is a loving, kind, person who stands up for herself. She has fought hard to be here, to stay alive and to continue to fight each day.
This recent healing, with its inevitable blocks of memories flooding back all at once, has been too much. This becomes a period of time where I feel overwhelmed by everything. Add on all of life’s recent moments of rejections to this overwhelmed place I was in? I fell face down pretty hard for over a week.
I didn’t want to leave my room or interact with anyone. A lot of attempts were made until finally I just stopped moving. My heart began it’s arrhythmias and the heat over exhausted me each time I went outside. My afternoons had became ‘siesta’ times where I all I could do was rest and watch Netflix on my iPad Pro. Sometimes I simply lay back in bed and stared at nothing. Or I looked out the window at the sky through the treetops. I had slid into the nothingness.
Even within the silence, because there is finally silence inside my mind, there is activity. My mind is moving so fast, memories flashing light strobe lights. Some are happy. Yet most have been the ones filled with shame, disgust, hate and embarrassment. Those moments? I really wish my brain had purged those instead of the ones I had wished to keep.
There are memories, especially of the cyber stalking which crossed over into real life stalking, threats against me, and my family members lives. These memories are ones I wished to never remember. What I knew is I had begun each day with putting on my firearm to begin my day. This is where I was when I had the brain injury. My day to day life had been threatened. If I mowed? I had my firearm and the license to prove I could carry it in plain sight of all the neighbors or anyone driving by.
I woke up the day after the brain injury and looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself. I turned over in bed, looked at firearm in it’s holder and had no clue why it was next to my bed.
The next two years were spent hiding this fact from everyone including my family.