Day 20 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project
A personal journal entry regarding brain healing after Traumatic Brain Injury
July 20, 2016
Frustration abounds in my heart, my mind, my body at this moment. Just when I’d gotten ahead I am thrown twenty steps back again. I retreat into my cave trying to find solace. Instead all I find is agitation. I pace back and forth, I go back to bed, I get up. I fight with my family who have no clear understanding of what is going on. Why should they? They’ve totally ignored everything I’ve been going through for three years. When it came to this past week of good news. I was overjoyed, I was ecstatic. Until I got into my car to drive home.
Then it hit me. I had no one to share this news with. I had no one to rush home to hug and to share my wonderful news. I had …nothing and no one. So instead I went home via the long route. A stop to get a fountain drink, the post office and to sit for a few minutes to look at the lake. I watched the birds floating on the water. I looked at the birds flying in from the sky to land with splashes of the lake water. Finally I sighed and headed home.
Home where no one asked how my appointment had gone and I did not offer my news. This festered inside me as my heart arrhythmia nonsense flared up yet again from the heat. Each day I left the house to do errands, to just get out of the house. The heat pushed me back home where it was cool and I could lie down. To where I was supposed to be resting not working in the yard or in the house. To where I was supposed to not be running or working out.
I became angrier each day that went by, especially as I’d experienced another rush of brain healing. One where a chunk of the lost years fell back into place and angered me further. This anger fueled me, filled me, made me want to go out and hit the boxing bag to let it out. The heat kept me from being able to do so. Memories filled my mind. Conversations I’d forgotten, flashes of pictures I’d also forgotten filled my mind. Humiliation filled my heart knowing what had happened, the extent of the stalking and the subsequent hacking of all of my accounts.
As I still go out each day on errands, sometimes made up to just get out of this house, I find it hard to look anyone in the eyes again. I’d grown confident these past six months. I’d grown, period. Now with this stuff of memories from over three years ago filling my mind? I’m lost in the memory of the horrible humiliation and wonder at the hate directed my way.
I know, in theory, it is not even personal. But it felt personal and it effected me in a personal way. Brain injury stole away the reasons for why I was so scared, why I was afraid to leave my own home. But now I know. I know, not from reading my own journals as if it were about someone else. Now I know from my ownmemories.
I don’t even care what this means regarding brain healing. Or even the realization this morning that I have learned new things recently and retained that information. Right now, I do not care. All I want to do is rest, recover and repair my broken psyche and heart.
Even if my heart is unrepairable I can still rest and recover so I can get back on track with my journey’s destination. This is a very large bump in the road which has tripped me up unexpectedly. But I will get up again, I will keep moving forward. I am in the light of day and I intend to fucking stay here.