Day 18 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project
“The Bumpiest of Roads”
This bumpy road
When will it smooth out?
Negativity surrounds me
It is constantly raining
But this cannot be forever
The rain will end
Creativity calls my name
I crave to give in to this call
I want to give in
I want to avoid everything else
This rain continues to pour
This negativity strikes me at every turn
I so want to run through the rain
I want to outrun it
Until it is no more
Instead I must passively stand here
Allow the rain to pour down
It will be over soon
Then I can move forward
Quietly I stand here
My mind sparking with activity
In spite of no outward movement
I am moving inside
The minute this rain ends
I am prepared to push forward
Because it will not last forever
July 18, 2016
After getting up, checking my social media today I really wished I’d stayed in bed. The business account had been closed in an ongoing issue of ‘suspicious activity’. Today I am fed up with pretty much everything. Yet, in my personal struggle to make plans, follow them all the way to the end, I can’t wash my hands of it all.
I look at my cork board and see pinned to it a fortune cookie saying; “It can’t rain all the time. It could be better, but it’s good enough.” This about sums it up. Although as it’s the summer I’d say it can’t be hot all the time, etc. This is the constant rain time where it seems this will never end. This negativity, this frustration level of feeling pulled in a hundred different directions. I know it will end, the bumps will be smoothed out and get better. Right now is the tough time of riding it all out and getting to the smoother part of this journey.
I wail to my Co-Founder, I spout off all my frustration. I want to cry but no longer can even begin to touch base with the emotion to bring this ‘feeling’ to the surface. I get my hot tea, my toast and I eat. My routine must move on as I have several things to accomplish today before moving to the place of rest for the day.
My art is calling my name so loud and there is a desperation inside to forget about all this nonsense. I want to draw, get lost in it, lose hours to it. Today it will be the reward for all the work I have to do first before I can be done for the day.
Some of my frustration is coming from the heart arrhythmia acting up because of the heat. I can’t exercise even early because it is simply too hot and the risk of heat exhaustion is too high.. This leaves no outlet for the anger, the frustration to be burned off each morning. I want to go back to bed. This is what I want to do.
Instead I make my lists for the day and begin working through them. Some days they seem endless. The time is all accounted for throughout the day, even the socializing part. If someone wants to socialize outside of the time I have allotted? This is a big stress to me. My time is planned out. The ‘no exercise’ is only taking out about 45 minutes of my day so it’s not like I got a block of time back.
I’ve got to make more time for my chess skills to get honed as I’m losing some of the headway I’ve been making due to so many other priorities. But, this chess skill work is part of my brain recovery and it cannot be put on the back burner. It has to become a priority again. The art, the chess, the handwriting in a journal each day are all part of my recovery. My brain continues to heal in chunks and I’ve had a big piece come back recently. It’s not all there yet, as in accessible, but I’m aware of it. Perhaps this is more what is frustrating me, this need to be alone and figure out what I got back this time.
Kind of like having a present you can’t open in private because no one will leave your room. Yeah it really is like that. I want to see what I got back this time and explore it a bit. Right now I am not being allowed to have the time to do so.