Day 17 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project
“The Gimme GimMEs”
More I need more
I’m busy I need to rest
Rush rush through my days
Eat? I forgot to eat again
Too many hours have gone by
No I need your attention
Gimme gimme gimme
I have no attention to give
Why does no one understand this
Mine is inward
It is directed towards myself
Towards my art
Towards my writing
Towards my health
This is a full time job
This job of me
I have no room for anyone else
I have no room for the gimme gimMEs
They unbalance me
They get me into this space of
You are not enough
You will never be enough
You are not worth anything to anyone
This is not a place of truth
This is the place of lies
Lies told to serve another’s fulfillment
No never mine
I have always been enough
I have always been more than enough
I have always been worth fighting for
I have no room for these gimme gimMEs
I have had enough
July 17, 2016
I’ve been sleeping all night which is a good thing. Partly because of doing too much and the stress of reacquainting myself with family who’ve been away for several years. Perhaps stress is the key to me sleeping all night, I’ve not clue. If I start racking up all the stressors my list becomes too long. Writing, posting, promoting, creating my art, going to the printers, live streaming daily, public readings of poetry, leave the house each day and go out in public. Okay that last one is the biggest stressor of all.
When I do go out, whether it be to eat breakfast or other activities, I tend to go to my ‘stand by’ places. Ones where they know my name, I know the staff by sight. I can sit at the counter or go in a side room and work. All of it only becomes an extension of my safe home space. Today I need to go somewhere new out of my comfort zone. I keep giving myself excuses to not go.
I am pushing myself too hard lately, I need to rest today. I need to stay in my safe zone. I don’t want to go out of the house today. I can go pick up my print and come back home where it’s safe. Safety is an ongoing theme lately. The more visible I’ve become the more people recognize me. This is not always a good thing. Some would strive for this recognition and welcome it. I prefer the ability to slip on through unnoticed when I choose to be unnoticed. I don’t want to be at a bookstore or picking up pizza and a stranger come up to me. It is normally a positive encounter, but this type of excited to see me behavior when I don’t know them is upsetting to me.
I’ve talked about it in therapy. We’d discussed the possibility of this issue long before it occurred the first time. How to handle it with grace. I do try to be polite, I do. I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Although it does often seem as if no one worries about hurting mine. This is also a recurring theme. “Gimme gimme gimme, you HAVE to gimme, gimme….you don’t matter..*slap*!..” Type of moments.
Although I appear to ‘put it all out there’ I’m quite a private person. I choose what I share and I choose to interact on my own terms. People coming up and shrieking because they saw me in public and grabbing me in a hug? Okay, this is VERY triggering to me. I am not a person who likes to be touched to begin with unless it is on my terms. It makes for a lot of difficulties in my private and public life.
A lot of difficulties.
This past week has been a tough one. Too many stressors I thought I was ready for, but really I wasn’t. This week will be one of regaining control over my own schedule and patterns. To seek out the place which makes me happy each day and not bother with any of the other things which do not.
I am shutting down the ‘gimme, gimme’ and only feeding the positive empowering moments instead. Sounds easier than it is to put into action.