Day 14 of 31 Days in July, “Anger in the Morning”

Day 14 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project


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“Anger in the Morning”

This emotion consumes me

It is always beneath the surface

I sink down to grab it

Break the surface gasping

Breathing in this anger

It is the raging wild animal

I want to tame

On it’s heels is the joy

The ever present happy groove

This stuck place

Until anger gets my attention

Then it is never the nuance

Is it clear

It is bright

It is loud

I want to scream with the anger

I am filled with it

I am consumed by it

I must let it run it course

It does not last long

My foot presses down

The car leaps in response

I must slow down

I am almost there

I wait

I talk to a couple

I wait

My turn comes

It is time to hear my news

A sharp quick stick in my arm

The results will decide my day

I listen

I avoid personal questions

I must hear this news

Papers rustle until I hear his words

I can wait another four months

Hard work has paid off

Joy begins to fill me

I want to leave quickly but cannot

Time is moving agonizingly slow

Finally I break free of the doors

Get into the confines of the car

Where I smile

I laugh

I am finally free

To live my life

How I want it to be


***

July, 14, 2016 

Personal journal entry

       I wake up to the alarm and begin the steady rush to prepare for the day. My daughter and her boyfriend are preparing to leave for a very long weekend getaway so the bathroom is occupied. I need a shower, my routine, to keep me sane this morning. Right afterwards my social media begins to wake up, messaging attempts to distract me. The ones close to me know where I’m going today, what it’s about. The ones who don’t are the ones who don’t matter at this moment. All I want is contact with the ones I care about my beloved friends.

       Instead I ignore it as best I can and begin the process of make up, hair, getting dressed. It’s going to be a very hot day and it is hot already. But inside where I am going it will be cold, requiring a jacket or a wrap. I always pick ones which are the least favorites. I take deep breaths, hold it, let it out. Look at the clock…get a move on!!

      This day is usually a very happy day of the week for me and I am resentful inside that this appointment is on a happy day. Maybe I am angry about this? I probably am, but don’t have time to explore this feeling. This anger which is always bubbling beneath the surface. It would be easy to dive in there and burst through the surface with this anger in my hand today. But I do not want to be angry.

       After all, angry equals higher blood pressure so I choose instead to remain as calm as can be.

       Later as I come home I’m happy again. Relief has flooded my being with a joy like no other. No treatment today, go back in four more months. There’s a bill to pay, I’ll have to go back on Monday to pay it. But for today there is joy again. I can finally continue on this path of exploration towards where I want my life’s journey to head.

       I can finally do what I want to do with no excuses, no sense of limited time. I can just be me. She is a woman who has been set free to run in the wilderness and this time? She is not alone.

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