Day 9 of 31 Days in July, “The Creative Fire”

Day 9 of 31 Days in July
The TBI Collection of the PTSD Poetry Project


“The Creative Fire”

My brain is on fire

It is as if each synapse

Is firing repeatedly

Like hearing the muffled sounds

At a gun range

Many calibers being fired

Different tempos

Different cadences

And I can identify them all

Color pushes, moves back

Stimulating my imagination

I see inside my head

What I want to create

It rises up out of the dark

To show this creation

I saw it inside my head

Happiness, true happiness

Explodes inside my head

My hands take turns

Using the tool to create

What is inside my mind

The moments only I can see

Which are breathtaking in their beauty

I don’t want to let them escape

These moments

Are what it is for me to live

These moments

Are my joy

These moments

I never want to let go

***



July 9, 2016

Personal Journal Entry

       My inner mind is taking constant snapshots of what I see. I move through the room and walk outside staring at the sky as I walk. The sun has set yet there is fire in the sky. Downtown the buildings have reflections which capture my attention. I stand in place thinking about what I’m seeing and pull out my phone to take pictures. I know they can be a reference for later to create something from what only I could see.

       As I get in the car I stretch and shiver. I’m still chilled by the pouring rain which soaked me to the skin earlier that evening. The restaurant was chilly from the air conditioning. A man had come over with beers wanting to have ‘bought me a drink’. Startled I’d looked at the older man I’d been watching play chess. Several of the other men looked up and frowned at the beer. I politely declined, which seemed to be unexpected.

       This Friday venture had become a stimulation of my brain’s recovery in a different way. I’ve become aware of beginning to learn as I watch. Learning or remembering I’m never sure. But there is something unfurling inside my mind as I watch. It is not unlike the moment you know you are going to sneeze. Except this is different, maybe it is more like feeling the bud unfurling little petals opening and the bloom is about to open fully. But this time? It will not wither and die.

       There will be many more buds to open. I know this because I sense them in all their stages of budding. Some have not even begun to swell. They are tiny, waiting for the stimulation to happen. Then they too will begin to swell to bursting until they too begin to unfurl.

       This is what makes my heart soar with happiness from within. This smile at the sky and at others because it has become easy to smile. For once it’s not about the stress which is the kind disarming to others when they are angry.

       This smile of happiness is finally the one which is genuine.

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