Day 8 of 31 Days In July
The TBI Collection of
The PTSD Poetry Project
“Thunder & Rain”
The curtains light up
Morning has come
Rain is coming down
In my bed alone
I let dogs go outside
I stand in a doorway
Wearing a bra and pajama bottoms
Which are sliding off my hips
A neighbor stares out the window
I do not care
Instead I smile at the thunderclouds
I think about healthy relationships
What are they?
What does healthy mean?
It’s not all those labels I was previously told
It’s not the negative words winding through my mind
Healthy isn’t the happy land my brain is stuck in
I walk through this house
This house I’ve lived in for over 10 years
This house which has held no relationship within it’s walls
This house which nearly killed me
This isn’t the healthy happy land I want to reside in
I want to recreate a life of happy
In spite of unhappy
In spite of tragedy
In spite of sometimes messing up royally
And so I stretch
And so I smile
In my bed alone
July 8, 2016
Personal Journal Entry
I wake up to thunder and rain. It’s a beautiful moment as I lay alone in my bed and listen to the rain. Flashes of lightening brighten the curtains and thunder follows after. I need to pee. The rain sounds are not helping so I get up and afterwards let dogs out. My dog immediately turns back as she doesn’t want to go out in the rain. The older small dog goes out and sits. I wonder yet again if she’s getting a bit of ‘doggie Alzheimer’s’ as I watch her sit down in the middle of the yard in the rain. Perhaps she simply doesn’t want to come back inside.
Standing in the doorway in my workout bra and pj bottoms, which are sliding down off my full hips, I watch them do their business outside in the rain. As I look up at the thunderclouds I see the neighbor behind our house peeking out their blinds at me. This is a longstanding ‘issue’ of sorts. I stand there, knowing they can see me and smile at the sky instead of acknowledging their stare.
Later after a conversation with a dear, loving friend I think about relationship health. We’ve talked about the idea of being behind “healthy”. Not body health, although this is important to me. But what is relationship ‘health’. Some would argue it’s the whole “we’ve never had a fight in 20+ years”. I would argue back it is only because one of the parties involved decided to never fight back. Relationship health isn’t about never fighting.
So where does this leave me with my brain injury issue of being stuck in f***ing “happy land” all the time? I have been emotional when I was trying to hold onto something I didn’t want to forget. The frustration was high as I continued to attempt to hold onto the memory of someone or something. The constant strive to grab it, never let it go, was exhausting. Perhaps for me, mindful health is about letting it all simply ‘be’. Let it go if it goes. Eventually it circles back. Sometimes it takes longer.
Sometimes it never comes back.
I know what a healthy love relationship looks like. But have I ever had this? It’s taken hard work for over 2 years now to discover the family message to me has always been one of negativity. You are worthless. Who would ever want you? You have to marry money or you will never be ‘successful’ to the family image. With all of these old messages inside my head telling me those words? It’s no wonder nothing ever lasts. The choice is always the one I know will treat me badly, say those same words to me because my thought process said “THIS is love.”
Truth is those are all lies.
Love is love. It’s not dependent upon all those labels or ideals we put out there saying ‘This..THIS is love..NOT this.” What I’ve discovered is it’s not any of what I grew up being told it was. Love is not money. Love is not putting up with someone else and never arguing. None of those are even mentally healthy at all.
Being stuck in ‘happy land’ is not mentally healthy. To be unable to feel other emotions, to express them is not healthy either. It seems appealing when you most wish to feel happy all the time. But happy is not all it’s made out to be. Tragedy happens and the appropriate emotion is there for about 20 minutes then it’s gone. In it’s place is a happy countenance and smile.
Being stuck in this groove of happy land is okay and most of the days it is a joy to be in. But the other days when I realize this is not how things should be? Well,it’s not all all it’s made out to be.