Day 7 of 31 Days in July, “Dancing in the Rain”

Day 7 of 31 Days of July
The TBI Collection of The PTSD Poetry Project


“Dancing in the Rain”

Arms outstretched

Face upturned

Rain pours over my face

Rain pours over my body

Rain drenches me

Rain pours down

And

I dance

And

I smile

My brain has reset back to the place of joy

My body moves

My feet splash in rain created puddles

The bells at my ankles sparkle in the rain

I am in the place of joy

I lean back and shout to the sky

Rain pours over me

Steam pours off my body

I look at the sky

I remember who I am

I am the warrior

I am the dancer

I am the lover

I am the mother

I am the loving child

I look at the sky

And feel joy

I continue dancing in the rain 

It pours over my body

The memory of you washed away

As the bells at my ankles

Sparkle in the sunlight 

My feet splash in the puddles

I dance

I smile

I shout to the sky

****

July 7, 2016

Personal Journal Entry

       I’m back in the melody of ‘happy land’ again. The needle on my personal phonograph record has finally jumped out of the groove it had become stuck in. My brain has roared back into happy. Even when I’m flipping someone off for inappropriate commenting on live streaming. I’m happy as can be doing so.

        Some days it’s really difficult to explain the inner workings of how my brain has healed. It has become stuck in some ways in the record groove of happy. Or at least this is how I thought of it before. This morning I woke up after a previous day of high end happy to realize it isn’t that at all. Happy is my reset point. It’s the me I always am. The emotional, hurt, sad bits are the scratch on the record it sometimes gets pushed into and there it stays stuck. It has taken a solid 10 days to jump back out of that groove and to smoothly play the music again.

       My music is bright and happy, sometimes all grind and grit and absolutely you can dance in the rain to it. Each day I read these words on my partition for my workspace; “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to DANCE in the rain.”

       I’ve been dancing in this rain of life for a long time now, it’s only recently anyone noticed the constant rain coming down in my life. Reading these words today I know, without doubt, there is a constant of rain coming down. It’s merely taken a brain injury to let out the attitude of dancing when in doubt. My children were always taught to ‘dance it out’ and now they are grown they’re not so open to this attitude. “Mom, why are you so weird?!”

      There is a day to day joy experience, this place inside my head. Some would say it’s not normal to be so happy and others would say this is their goal. How wonderful it is to be stuck in this happy place. My argument to the last bit is to say it is not always so wonderful to never really experience emotions for long. A friend dies and you feel it for about 20 minutes then your brain resets back to the smiles of happy. It’s a disservice to never grieve fully.

       We all want that Cinderella, dance around wonderful but there has to be a balance. Joy causes me to never want to be someone’s “everything”. I want to only be my own “everything”. I want to be happy in the moment, to keep moving forward in this place of joy. To sometimes fall down for a few days then allow the reset to happen. I’ve wondered for months if this will change. For now, and this is what I’ve learned to say to myself, for now it slips away at day 3 and is gone at day 5. Then at day 10 my brain resets and I’m dancing in the rain with a smile on my face.

       I know this last time, this person, I did not want to forget him. I fought it, I fought it so hard. I cried, I screamed into my pillows in frustration and still I felt it slipping away. There will be flashes of memory now, brief moments. There is no emotion attached to them so it is like this fantasy, yet I know he was real because I have read my own written words about my day to day life.

      So do I miss him? This question has to be asked and I need to answer it with complete honesty.

                                      Not at all.

                        I don’t remember him anymore.

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