Day 5 of 31 Days in July,
“The TBI Collection”
From The PTSD Poetry Project
“The Forgotten Duet”
My head pounds as I lie in bed
Too much vodka the night before
My first thoughts are random
Making no sense
I need a lot of water to drink
Instead I get into the shower
I wash off the previous night’s stink
The rushing water clears my head
Thoughts of hidden moments begin to intrude
Why do these continue to haunt me?
Why are they disconnected inside my mind?
Emotions which have no names
Cause a raging storm inside my head
The short list have names
Anger, sadness, and happy
Love is not among these today
Do I remember loving?
Do I remember what love means?
I woke up to thoughts about mildew on bathtub caulk
Surely this is not what is most important to me!
Should it not be about trying to remember ..
I know there can be no one sidedness about remembrance
Words written down, read and reread
Remind me to hold on to what I do not want to forget
I am reminded by a dear friend
This cannot be a singular act
It has to be a duet
She tells me..
If they do not want to be forgotten
They must put in the work
You cannot do it all
You have been alone a very long time now
Perhaps you have forgotten
What it is to be part of a duet.
July 5, 2016
Personal Journal Entry (TBI)
My head pounds today. Last night’s consumption of alcohol the cause. My first thought of the day was about the mildew on the bathtub caulk. The second is why would I even drink? Yet did I sleep the entire night? Yes. This is not a continuing plan however. My head hurts and a lot of water is needed today for sure. Maybe even gasp! aspirin. Well no, this is perhaps not a good idea as I’m already on a super low dose blood thinner. Ok, moving on.
I remember getting up to pee and my shoulder hurting badly as I’d fallen asleep on it. Think I never moved my position I’d slept so hard. Or maybe it is a passed out sleep. All I’m certain of is for a good 4 weeks I’ve not slept the entire night through but for a very few times. So this was possibly needed.
I take a shower and am sad I’m not sweaty enough to have earned it. This is my full week off from working out. My husband had always said to take a full week off every 6-8 weeks to prevent injury or broken bones. Something I’d always taken to heart. The time had become dangerously close to beyond 8 weeks and my body had flirted with injury. So close, so close but I listened and stopped before pushing beyond that threshold.
These weeks are always a challenge. My head is not happy with the break in my routine. This constant scheduling of everything had always been a good pastime for my mind. Yet micromanaging of self is a danger. If I cannot be flexible within my own routine? Well, there is a name for this issue. This long weekend has been a time of solace and there is a joy in being alone which is sometimes hard to explain to anyone.
Now everything is different though. I’ve come ‘clean’ about the 3-5 day memory issue and am now handling a bit of fallout because of it. This is an interesting thing in a very remote way. I have hidden it so well, handle it with all the tools I possibly can. My attitude has always been to be kind, to be loving to all, to listen to my inner ‘voice’ and not ignore what I think upon meeting someone. There are times I’ve met people who, by their behavior, shows we’ve obviously met before. The response I get inside is one of repulsion or a bell ringing to be cautious. I don’t ignore this anymore. It would be foolish to. Some I meet and it is with joy in my heart, a smile on my face and open arms to hug them.
See, there is a part of me which remembers even if I actively do not. This is perhaps the most difficult to explain. The day to day workings of my mind have forgotten yet my inner mind hasn’t. Those are feelings which can’t be upended and these I choose to listen to even when my mind has forgotten everything else. Mostly I often find them confusing and difficult to understand. This is especially true when associated with someone I’ve forgotten I had a connection with. This is more because it is confusing to have a response I can’t explain with words.
In an instant things can change drastically. They can be forgotten as if they never existed in the first place. Emotions can be stirred up and I can still have no idea what they are about. Some I don’t even have a name for except the choice few, anger, sadness and happy. All it took was an instant to change my life’s course to a place unexpected and most times into the seeming unknown.