Day 28 of 30 Days in June, A PTSD Poetry Project
Poem and original personal journal entry
“The Inner Monster Called Anger”
Anger floods my being
Anger overwhelms me
I feel out of control
I need some control
Birds fly out from under a car nearby
Startled my adrenaline rises high
I’m on a wave of anger already
This only further fuels the fire
It rises and rises
I cannot control it
I’m afraid of this anger
This fire inside me
I don’t want to feel this
I remember this emotion it is far too familiar
I remember hating this out of control emotion
How does anyone live with this?!
I want to hurt something, someone
All because of someone hurting me, angering me
Uncalled for behavior
Out of control behavior
This, this is my monster
This monstrous anger
The monster which causes me shame
The monster when let loose I cannot control
I hate this inner monster
This creature I have not forgotten
It has only been lying in wait for me to turn the key
The one which opened it’s door
The one which set it free again.
This monster is one I cannot embrace
This monster I want to kill dead
This monster which strips me of all the good in my life
One mere moment
This is all it takes to ruin all I have worked hard to bring to heel
This moment is all it takes to upturn my life
I cannot take it back
I try to push it back inside
It will not fit
It fights to get out again
I shut the door on it
It rages as I shut the door catching it’s tail
I do not care
It must be shut away for now
Wish it could be for good.
(Personal Journal entry)
“The Inner Monster Called Anger”
Anger rises inside me and I’m already in a hyper vigilant state. My brain, my healing brain is attempting to connect with emotions again. It has become a time of emotional upset and my adrenaline is so high my heart keeps having runs of the A-Fib making my chest feel constantly tight.
This first line emotion, this old emotion is the one which is easiest to touch. Anger. I know anger so well. I’ve written about it, talked about it in therapy, and tried hard to avoid this emotion. I’d created poetry before about how well I know anger’s taste, it’s scent, I know it’s name, and most of all how destructive it is for me. It flares hot and high so fast out of nowhere. But, it’s also like a quick hot fire which burns out quickly. But the destruction in it’s path is never a good one.
Anger saved my life. I don’t ever forget this. It took the anger to rise up inside, spill over with the determination I would not going to die in that place. It took anger to do what I had to do to survive. No wonder I am so fearful of my anger. Anger is a destructive force. Yet anger saved my life.
As I’m walking through the grocery parking lot birds suddenly fly out from underneath a car startling me. My already high adrenaline rises higher. My vision sharpens as I span the surroundings noticing all things. The woman with 3 children, one in the cart as she is trying to get the groceries into her van. She’s left her bag open in the cart and the young man walking by is staring at it, moving closer until she turns back and grabs her purse. I see the older couple walking slowly, the woman using a walker as she clumps along. It’s agonizing to watch them. The man turns to look at her as they talk and I see the love in his face for her. The sliding doors open and an arguing couple walk quickly out to their car so loud they are nearly shouting at each other in their anger. I see it all and I desperately want to get back into the car to go home.
My body is sweating now from the adrenaline rush. I can smell the fear sweat on my body. The stink of it sickens me as I remember it’s scent from long ago. Anger begins to rise and I grab a cart so I can get done with the grocery shopping. If I don’t get this done, it won’t get done and we need all the items on the list.
The air conditioning in the store causes me to shiver because of my body being so overheated. I walk quickly through the store getting the items on the list and add a few which were not on the list. The queue is long and I wait as patiently as I possibly can. I smile at the checker, trying to interact pleasantly. I’m so aware of the stench on my body from the fear sweat. A sweat no antiperspirant could ever cover up.
As I leave the building a panhandler comes up to me. Already so hyper vigilant, my eyes scan every spot on his body for weapons, for the hidden things. His eyes become hard seeing me look at him this way. The words which come out of my mouth are not kind at all.
“Get away from me.”
He turns and leaves my space quickly. I do not care if I hurt his feelings, I know what he is, have seen him in this parking lot before. I can’t wait to get home, to the safety of my room. To where no one will bother me or even interact with me. The place I can control my environment. But this anger inside me has risen and won’t go back down. Eventually it will but there are times I wish it would be quenched out and never rise again. It does me no good to be so angry in this kind of way.
There is always another day to face it. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day it is quenched for good.