Day 25 of 30 Days in June, “No In Betweens”

A PTSD Poetry Project Poem created from a current journal entry


“No In Betweens”

Twisting turning

Waking drenched in sweat again

No nightmares

Only memories of moments I thought were lost

They begin to move through my healing brain

Stirred and woken up

After lengthy time of twists

Turns, near misses

They rise up and distract me

I pull over in the car to see them

Like a movie in my mind

I cannot escape them

There is before

There is after

Stimulated by contacts from my past

My memory surfaces

Roaring with clarity

Is this who I was?

Is this who I had been?

Some things I wish I could forget

Others I wish I could remember

My future is in front of me

Waiting for me to merely

Take its hand in mine

I’ve driven alone for so long

I have forgotten the pleasure

Of simply holding another’s hand

There are some things

I wish I could remember

And never forget

***********


“Memories Long Forgotten”

      Twisting, turning in the sheets I wake soaked with sweat. Not from nightmares this time. My mind is distracted. Needs long ignored, then lost through brain injury have woken up. My brain’s healing has been a journey which twists and turns, had high climbing times, then crawling through the muck. Alone in this fight, it has been the hardest accomplishment I’ve ever experienced.

      Memories of so many moments in life either escape me, seemingly for good, then rise up when least expected. I’ve been driving alone and had to pull over and just sit while memories flew through my mind. They were so real it was like being there again. Some memories I wish I could forget and yet can’t. Others’ I have and wish I could remember but I also realize I have to let go of these types of thoughts. Either I will or I won’t. There seems to be no in between for me.

      The times I’ve had to pull over, stop and sit until my brain settles down are times I’ve learned a lot about who I used to be. Usually this happens after I have met someone from my past, ones who knew me ‘before’. See I think, or I believe, when brain injury happens there is this ‘before’ and there is ‘after’. All it took was one moment to change everything. Most have said I am a better person now, a good person. Not that I was a bad person before, I was merely very focused on my personal safety and kept everyone out.

      Now I let people in, I take chances and choose to care about others. I choose each day to meet it with respect for others but most of all? I choose respect and love for myself. Something I never had before. It’s been a long two years of therapy to get to these months of slowly phasing out until the time of no therapy. Once I let go of my tightly held self and relaxed into my life it has begun to move quickly again.

      There are times I want it to slow down, if only for a few moments. Maybe it is more I need a deep breath now and again then I can step back into the pace again. Lessons I’ve learned this past 13 years is all I have is this day, this moment. I can plan for my future, but plans can always be redone, changed to better fit the journey. I could look back at so many moments and think my life would be better with them. Maybe it would be, but it has all lead up to the person I am right now.

 

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