Day 22 of 30 Days In June, “You ARE Worth Fighting For” 

Day 22 of 30 Days In June, PTSD Poetry Project
Previously published as a stand alone poem, May 27, 2016

“You Are Worth Fighting For”

A PTSD Poetry Project Poem

By Bree Nowacki

We hide inside ourselves

Believing we are broken 

We have been beaten down

We huddle in a dark corner

I am not enough

I could not save myself

I will never be enough

I am broken beyond repair

I cannot look into the eyes of anyone

I am small

I am insignificant

I am NOTHING

Until we are an empty shell of who we used to be

Sometimes we stay stuck in these moments

See my broken wings

See my broken heart

Hear my broken stories

Look at me in my pain!

Look at ME in my ugliness!

Look at ME!

Instead of fighting back

We fight those we love

We fight those who care for
us

We fight those who would help

Until they too turn away

See?!! Everyone eventually leaves me…

This is the lie we tell ourselves

This lie of our own creation

Deep in the dark of self

A moment begins to stir

It begins to awaken

We see there is a way

We see there is something worth fighting for

We see there IS only…

Me

It is then we begin to heal

We heal slowly, softly

We heal our believed brokenness

We heal our spirits

We heal our hearts

We heal our…souls

There is a moment inside us

When we begin to fight to live

We can win this fight

We will become our own superheroes

No need of capes

No need of masks

No need of costumes

We come to this fight

Naked

Stripped down

Raw

The secret here is this

You will win this fight

All you have to do is …

Choose YOU.

Now you have the work to do

The worthy work of fighting

For your life

And

You

Will

Win

You ARE worth fighting for.

********



June 22, 2016
(Current journal entry)

     “You ARE worth Fighting For”

        I have seen people who are stuck in this place of no growth and I’ve been there. I’ve written about it, talked about it and cried about it. Others told me I would never be ‘fixed’ that I should just give up already! Some even said don’t even bother you aren’t worth it anyway.

      Harsh words, unkind words to say to anyone. They were like porcupine barbs. They hurt when they hit their mark and then hurt worse as they continued to work their way in. I always wondered if this is what their intention was? To continue hurting me until I could barely move, didn’t move at all. Or were they simply thrown at random without any care for the effect they would have? I still wonder to this day about this.

       My upbringing told me I should be cautionary with my words, even when others weren’t. Sometimes this is not the best way to be. It allows people an unspoken permission to do what they want, say what they will. In the past it has made me appear to be open to victimization. Something which always surprises me. I would say this however, when this behavior is directed towards me I understand they are in fact bullies who are looking to bully. It surprises them when I take the seemingly unexpected path and stand up for myself.

      For years my reputation had been one of speaking out for those who cannot stand up for themselves. I felt I had a mission to use my words to express what I was going through. Since this choice to be raw and exposed I have had contact with those who told me they finally got it about how they were not alone in this. To often this is the truth of living with PTSD. Feeling alone, forgotten and uncared about.

      What I’ve come to learn from this very hard path towards growth is simply this. I am worth fighting for. No matter what anyone said, anyone did or didn’t do, I was worth the fight. But it also took the decision to fight for myself to get well, to heal, and to find this place of continued growth. Most of all this fight has been one of sharing those hardest of words to say. To share them only in a safe place. Months of trying, failing, trying again until I could say those words while looking someone else in the eye.

       This is what the fight is about. It is about being able to safely say those words of truth. Most of all to say them in a safe place of no judgement and one which has heard far worse than what I had to tell. Once I stopped telling myself my ‘stuff’ wasn’t ‘so bad’ others had done worse, had worse done to them. Once I stopped saying these words to my inner self. Once I realized my stuff was as ‘bad’ because it was effecting me in a way which left me unable to function. Then I was able to seek help and to begin to fight for myself.

      This path has been worth it to find my way back to me, to a better version because of what I have been through and faced down.

       I finally discovered I am worth fighting for.

 

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