Day 16 of 30 Days in June, PTSD Poetry Project “Surviving the Unmentionable & Exacting Revenge”

Day 16 of 30 Days in June for PTSD Awareness
PTSD Poetry Project, Poetry created from blog posts and personal journals

“Surviving the Unmentionable & Exacting Revenge”

Revenge

It is an empty act

Revenge is not what others believe it to be

What they call revenge

Was done to survive

Kill them

They are dead

Revenge exacted

It is over

It does not make me whole

It does not repair the damage

It does not cause me joy

I am empty

My head is full of static nothingness

My body had filled in horrors with scars

Unseen on the outside

But I am not fine

I was told

I was unrepairable

Until the day of..

Surgery

Extensive scars removed

I lay in bed crying after

Physical therapy of the worst kind

My body desperately attempting to fill healing with scars

Me, my body entangled in a continuing fight

Yet I am not broken

Told I was unrepairable

This was a lie

I did what I had to do to survive

**************

“Exacting Revenge”

Personal Journal June 19, 2010

(Excerpt)written about surviving the unmentionable and later told it was ‘an act of revenge’ 

 I’ve thought more and more of this “key” idea of exacting revenge.

 In the end, revenge is empty. You kill them? That’s as good as it gets. Once they are dead. It’s over.

 At the moment when I got away and there was so much blood, on the floor, on my hands, on my arms, and my naked body…I felt nothing except “static” inside my head. Empty. They were dead—it was over—revenge exacted.

 I live still with the inner damage. All scarring removed possible. I work hard each day with my physical therapist to strengthen the inner muscles….and it’s all to keep the scarring from reforming.

 I’m broken inside, broken, but repairable. Right? That’s how it should be at least…continue to be repairable.

 I think this is finally my goal. To be repairable and not keep thinking I’m broken beyond repair. Good goal to have I think.

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