“Emotions Now In Reach”
Always first, so pure, so familiar
Anger is a familiar friend
Anger is a power I hid deep inside
A power I must now befriend
Tears roll down my cheeks
Public tears, not in private as they should be
My hands do their tandem dance
Until one loses the rhythm
After this most public show of emotions
I am drenched in sweat
My body shaking
Emotions new and wondrous continue to entrance me
Out of reach
Now in reach
I had hidden myself away inside
Believing myself to be broken
This brokenness would only hurt others
This is what I believed
Now emotions are in reach
I am becoming whole again
Wondrously whole and emotional
Blog post previously published to USFRAORG.org
“Emotions Now In Reach”
I draw silently while listening to the playlist I’ve created. My hands are working together and there is a joy in this moment. Each hand moving independently of the other, yet working together. This is a moment like no other on my earth. In this singular place I feel the stirrings of emotion. Stimulated by my hands working together they reach a place primitive and unfamiliar to me.
Anger flares first. Always the anger. Anger is pure, it is easy to reach. Anger is a familiar friend I’ve known all my life. Anger drove me for years as I was left to survive alone. Anger fuelled me when I had nothing else. Anger is, in some ways, a power inside me I try to hide. What I know now is I have to live with anger, become it’s friend instead of it being my only friend.
Tears begin to roll down my face confusing me within the moments of anger. Why are there tears? What am I feeling? My hands take turns now as I try to reach in deeper to find understanding of what has triggered these tears. They roll down my face and I hide them from the people viewing my work as I draw.
These should be, so I’ve been told, private moments of exploration. Yet, in being public with them it has become a time of sharing with the world this journey towards healing. It’s not been easy. It’s an ongoing series of public moments for all to see. I’ve had times where the beautiful dance of my hands working together fails.
One hand will flip the pencil across the table refusing to do what my healing brain tells it to do. I’ve been left drenched with sweat after drawing because of some emotion I can’t name. Is it fear, is it stress? Emotion unfamiliar because I have reached this place which has no names for those emotions I used to know by name. They are new, they are wondrous and they sometimes stay out of reach.
So many emotions come forward all at one time I often want to run until I fall down. I want to run away from these things I have no name for. Other times all there is inside of me is silence. This silence is also familiar. Anger and silence seem to be those places where I must have stayed for decades. Now I am reaching deeper than before to discover all these emotions I’d hidden deep inside.
I am full and I am whole inside. I was never broken the way I believed myself to be. I had only hidden myself away to protect others from the ‘broken’ me. This is what I believed.