Birth Year Ending & Beginning

        I turned 54 yesterday. My personal year ended in a way I did not want to experience. I’d been in physical pain for 4 weeks at that point. Pain extending into my head close to the brain injury confused me, frightened me and my heart condition was adding to the mix. On top of all of this a friend died unexpectedly. 
        I think we always think, even me, we will have time to be there for others. Yet my brain injury taught me all we ever have is this moment, this single second in life. The next one can be very different. “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” A quote we all know but do we really embrace it? Most of us put off everything, never living in the moment. Always present is the inner list of things to do, places to go, what we wish we could do. 
        With the healing inside my head, my brain, I’ve begun to be able to plan ahead. Weeks are planned out, even months. I can multitask again and this is an incredible sensation to be able to remember things like I used to do. Memory is a fleeting, fickle thing and when it came back full force it was overwhelming. But it also brought back the abilities to understand things again. To read and be able to retain the information was a gift. 
        I’d forgotten the intelligence I had before all these horrible things happened. I’d also forgotten how very clever I was at hiding in plain sight. This was always a gift, a gift of intelligence, of abilities long forgotten. These are not always the best of gifts and I sometimes envy those who can truly live out loud with the emotions I find so difficult to express. Emotions still slide in unexpectedly. They still confuse me, agitate me and upset me when I cannot discern what is happening inside myself. 
        Sometimes it is as if I’ve never felt anything before in my entire life because they are so unfamiliar these emotions. I become afraid to feel them. Trying to avoid them only makes them be stronger and more overwhelming. My art has stimulated my brain and done the complete reroute of the circuits to get to this place. The thought of this simply makes my head pound harder.
        I refuse to be afraid and I refuse to quit fighting for myself. It’s something I cannot let go of because I know that I am always worth the fight. My goals are my goals, they are up to me to reach. I want to reach them and surpass them. Slow and steady. This has been my personal mantra for the past year. Slow and steady wins the day, rushing will got get me there to stay. 
        So I will continue to take the slow and steady route. I will plan my weeks, my months, but I will also live in my moments because they are truly all anyone ever has, even me.

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