This simple act has no meaning to me anymore. Recently I was apologised to for an unfortunate two hour wait for an appointment. I felt it was important to simply say to her “The brain injury has messed up my sense of time passing, it could have been 10 min or three hours to me. I’m not worried about it, no apology needed.” This seemed to startle her as she’d been apologising to patients for most of the day at this point. “Relax, no worries, I’m not worried about it.” She finally smiled hesitantly at me as if this were a trick. I knew it was not the response she’d expected.
Sometimes being a bit stuck in ‘happy’ isn’t a bad thing. Plus having the trait of smiling when stressed helps in potentially stressful situations. The passing of time isn’t something I’m aware of anymore except to look at the clock when I’m writing and realising I’ve lost 3 hours of my day. My art, my writing, no matter what I’m doing I lose time to it. It’s a good thing I have a timer for workouts otherwise I’d be lost in this activity too.
I used to believe it was all lost time each time this would happen. No more though. These moments of becoming lost in an activity is a gift now. To be able to focus for that long on what I am doing is a tremendous gift. Being able to write for that long a time, remembering where I am going with a thought or an idea is precious. As I continue the process of writing a book it is astounding as I can still see, each day, where I want it to go. I can see the rest of the stories in the series, each character’s oomph. I can get so lost in this type of writing I find it hard to pull myself back sometimes.
What I can say about this issue though is I have a sense of being in the moment. Even the days I find I am bored with my activity I am in the moment. Fully there and this is simply a gift I don’t want to lose sight of.
The gifts I’ve been given from a seemingly terrible event have changed not only my life but me for the better. These are changes I don’t want to take back, I think I might just want to keep them.
(Also published to USFRA.org)