Happiness is my constancy. It’s a pursuit I’ve been actively pursuing for months now. Once I became aware of my brain being ‘stuck’ in the happy groove and how wonderful it felt? I didn’t want it to stop. Yet, in my pursuit of brain healing using the two handed sketching and painting, it has began to stir up the emotional center. Tears began flowing again, anger began being right below the surface. Laughter, and yes..feelings of love began to fill me up.
I am overwhelmed by emotion.
I don’t remember feeling this way inside. Is this how it feels to be stirred up by emotion? It’s confusing at best. My memory doesn’t recall emotions in this new context. Some days the unsettled sensation finally will get a name. Frustration, irritation, anger. Those are tough ones to label. I’m unaware of them until they spill over out of control. Returning to boxing 6 months ago has served me well with allowing those emotions to have an outlet.
It’s a roller coaster ride I didn’t expect. Has it been worth it? Yes. I knew I was lacking in the arena of emotions. This journey after Traumatic Brain Injury causes me to question if I ever did feel emotions in this way. Had I been a mess of emotions before or had I only pretended to feel anything. Had this injury caused a new connection to occur, was this one which hadn’t happened before? Is this why it seems so unfamiliar? Questions fill my mind ever single time I’m aware of feelings surfacing.
Will I be overwhelmed forever?
That needle in my mind had been stuck in the groove called happy for so long when It began to bump out into the regular part of the record I’ve not known what to do. It had begun to feel ‘normal’ to be stuck in happy mode. To not feel happy every single second seemed abnormal. Intellectually I know being ‘happy’ every single second is not good mental health in spite of what people seem to think. Being happy every single second is NOT normal nor a healthy goal.
I can survive my emotions.
No fear. I can have no fear in the face of unearthing these emotions. In spite of the inner, deep fear I’ll be consumed, I want to feel my emotions. Feel them, hold them, get to know them. Only then can I be fully whole again. I’ll get there during this transition time of leaving therapy. The help is there to get me through this time and beyond. It behooves me to reach out for the help while it’s there.
My emotions are unable to wait any longer for me to feel.
(Also published to USFRA.org)