Uncontrollable Laughter


Yesterday I had a two hour stint of being unable to stop laughing. The mere thought of it almost makes me begin again. Earlier in the day I’d drawn for an hour while live streaming. This activity has become a kind of therapy in order to allow my brain to reconnect with these deep emotional centers of the brain. Especially as I draw with both hands at once. I’d felt unsettled for hours afterward. I’d baked cookies, my normal routine on Thursdays and tidied up the kitchen since I’m having friends over for my monthly “Wine & Women Night”.

During the time I was drawing with both hands I’d reached this place of ‘flow’ for lack of a better word. My hands were working together while shading and using quick movements to fill in large areas. No thoughts, only the movement across the paper. My dogs interrupted me and the flow crashed, burned. While I baked I thought about the way it had felt to draw this way again. The absolute silence inside my head. Yet tears would often fill my eyes while I sketched. Inside myself it is an unfamiliar landscape I am headed towards. This unknown scenery inside my head, a place filled with emotion.

Once reached, what will I find there? A year ago I would have been fearful, even terrified of what I might find. Now I look forward towards the opportunity to feel, to express emotions again. Some days I have tears all day after drawing, other days I am brain exhausted and sit for hours staring at the television. But this day was different. I’d baked, had tears and yet when I finally sat down for awhile I still felt unsettled. I got up and went into my room to my workspace. The music playlists I’d been putting together for my book’s characters needed some more songs added to them. As I looked through them I realized one had of them, which I’d made collaborative, had more music on it.

This particular list is a mix of different friend’s songs for ‘romance’. As I looked at all the titles I began so see how they fit together making a ‘title story’ and it struck me as funny. Then it struck me as hilarious. Every time someone messaged me I was laughing until I couldn’t stop laughing. Each time I thought I’d stopped? I started laughing again until I had been laughing for nearly two hours solid. By the hour mark I’d kind of gotten concerned. At two hours the laughter had begun to calm down and it was with relief I eventually stopped laughing. But I couldn’t stop smiling every time I read the titles in the playlist.

Apparently I had really needed to let go and laugh uncontrollably.

(Also posted to USFRA.org) 


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