Grand illusions have fallen away and there are no more masks to pull off. There is only me. Those masks had kept me safe and hidden safely behind them. They have been peeled away. A painful process lasting two years continues to leave me raw inside and out.
I always felt inside as if I was holding my breath, unable to allow my truths to be free. My truths were ugly, horrendous things. They’d grown into mature animals which only served to tear me apart from the inside. They tore at me, clawing with claws of knives until I was torn to shreds trying to hold them inside of me. I thought it would be painful to set them free. For a time it was. But when I also began to be true to myself, to share my truths? The pain began to lessen.
The inner wounds began to heal. The haemorrhaging of my heart slowed and finally stopped. Those animals left their scars inside me and in spite of the pain I made a choice to chose to live. I chose to never give in so I could live. So I could live my life for me.
There is an inner guilt from choosing to live my life for me. It seems, or seemed at first, to be selfish in the worst way. But as happiness grew and as joy filled me until I could no longer contain it I also began to heal. It was only then I began to understand it was not selfish to choose to heal. Not everyone is ready to heal, I get that. Sometimes people in my own life seemed to resent any and all choices to get better.
Life is funny though. It seemed to take care of those people. Moved them out of my life and replaced them with people who are incredibly positive, loving and encouraging. Life may be funny, but it’s also pretty damned beautiful in the early mornings now.
The illusions of my own making have been filed away into their filing cabinets. They have done their job and can be put away in storage. Each one of them having had done their jobs well and it is now time to permanently retire them.
I look forward to living without the
(Also posted to USFRA.org)