The definition of myself, as a person who has survived and has woken up to a brand new day. New, that is how I feel at this point in my life. It is as if I never knew what it was like to fully feel emotions. They are new, fresh, as if I am unfamiliar with them and yet they are familiar in some depths of my mind. I draw and this alone has taken me to a depth of emotion I cannot escape from.
Part of me wants to fly free of these emotions which unsettle me, undo me until I want to be away from them. Let me be, don’t make me feel this, I don’t want to feel this way again. Again? Is that what is going on inside me? I want to feel, I don’t want to feel. Yet I MUST feel again. This is, this, is the key to getting healed fully, healed completely and being whole again.
A friend has said I am the most whole person she has ever known and this has almost undone me. What she doesn’t know, doesn’t need to now is how I am still mending inside, in the depths of my heart, my soul and I’m caring again in a way I never did before. It’s as if the smallest of keys has been turned gently in the lock and has opened only the smallest of doors to my psyche where emotions are hidden.
Perhaps it is my art, the sketching or perhaps it is the continued work on my book. I am uncertain if I will ever know, but I suspect it is a combination of both which have been the key. Writing, which has saved me numerous times is now a companion to the two handed sketching. They work in tandem stimulating parts of my brain which has not known it was still alive. Blood is coursing through my brain, nourishing these areas which have not known they were still capable of life. I am beginning to feel emotions I do not remember feeling, or perhaps it is that I find emotions confusing. Surging ahead into the unknown is already a wild ride. But it is a ride worth taking. I draw, I write and I am finding these activities are causing a disturbance inside my head. Drawing with both hands at once has become a way to reconnect with those places inside my brain which express emotions.
Maybe I will give myself a chance and simply allow the healing to happen because I so want to discover this new definition of me, Bree. Whole, happy, healthy, and most of all joyous in each day.
(Also published on USFRA.org)