Christmas Day and I am O.K.

@Now_Bree

The wind stings my face, rain feels like shards of ice and my chest is so tight I feel as if I cannot breathe. Fog surrounds me, blinding me and I am afraid I will lose the path. I am afraid I will fall. Fear blossoms in my chest and I no longer trust my feet to find the path I’ve run a million times. Instead of slowing I kick hard and push forward.

Behind me is the sound of feet hitting the ground in rhythm with mine and my adrenaline kicks into overdrive pushing me harder, faster down the path. I feel the presence behind me, can hear their breath and it is as if I can feel their heart beating with the same cadence as mine.

Faster we go, running so fast it feels as if my body would be a blur. It’s hurting me, I need to slow down, I can’t keep this up much longer. A hand touches my arm, spinning me around and causing me to fly through the air hitting the ground as I scream.

Sitting up in bed my hands clutch my chest and my body is slick with sweat. For a moment I feel as if I cannot breathe. My heart begins to slow as my dog licks my neck. “I’m okay, I’m okay. Today is Friday, It is Christmas Day. The date is December 25th, the year is 2015. I am OK, I am safe.” I’m shaking as I say the words. I look at the clock.

It is only 0430.

I lay back in bed and just breathe. Turning on my side my dog cuddles close to me as she realizes we are not getting up to go out. It takes time but I drift off again for about 2 hours until the alarms goes off. This time I meet the day with a smile and say the words again. I know what day it is, the date, the year, it is all going to be okay. This is supposed to be a happy day and I will meet it with a smile.

Quickly I get dressed to workout before anyone gets up and I know I will need to box today of all days because of the fear in the night. My dog and I go out to the garage where I set up my workout stuff, get my iPad, headphones, type in my title for the day, turn on the music and then hit the red button to broadcast my workout.

“Let’s do this!”

It is Christmas Day and I am OK

(Also posted on USFRA.org)

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