Not Everyone is Thankful Today

(This Post is a “Daily Topic Reading” on Periscope & available on katche.me/Now_Bree & also posted to LifeBeyondPTSD.wordpress.com)

—————–
**Post Contains possibly triggering descriptions & strong language**

—————-
Not Everyone is Thankful.

I will say again, this topic contains warnings due to language, descriptions, and it is not a ‘feel good’ topic.
Today, as I checked my email to find a single personal email I was reminded about my path in life.
I am NOT the person I used to be.
The people I write to, the person I write about, and the people I speak to are not the ‘feel good’ tribes or groups all about attempting to attain an unreasonable state of mind which is NOT mental health. The people I represent are ones who do not often get support. They are the hurting, the injured beyond repair, the trembling on the edge people. They are NOT always the kindest people to represent nor to interact with.
This season is a hard season for the people I write to, the people I represent. It is NOT a season of thankfulness. We can say out loud the words family expects us to say. We can pretend as we are so very skilled at putting on the ‘happy’ face in order to hide our pain. We have lived with secrets which are too heavy to bear. They are ones we cannot share with others due to unreasonable restrictions. Our secrets are a burden which becomes too heavy to bear at this time of year.
Many of us live with the people who are gone, those we could not save, the ones who died in our place and the ones, the ones whose lives we took in order to save our own.
I am NOT the person I used to be.
I have been changed irrevocably in a way which burdened my spirit and had nearly broken it beyond repair. I wish I could say there was a ‘magic moment’ at which it all got better but there is not one. Life moves on in spite of us and it is not always kind.
When we most need for life to kind to us? It throws even more than we could possibly near at us. Irreconcilable differences of a divorce, death of a loved one, suicide of a loved one, friendships which fall apart, medical complications and issues. Yet we still have to move forward.
I am NOT the person I used to be and I am not always thankful for this time of year. I was changed in 2003 in an irrevocable way. It’s not something I can share or talk about except in a verified safe place with someone who was cleared for me as ‘safe’. Something ‘normal’ people cannot understand or comprehend.
I am NOT the person I used to be.
Yes, I have things to be thankful for today, for each day. Yet today, of all days I received an email which only served to remind me that the path I have embarked upon is not the easiest to walk. This email told me in flat, direct terms: “you f***ing brain damaged c**t you don’t know what the f**k you are talking about. Why don’t you go ahead and do the world a favor and kill yourself.”
I am NOT the person I used to be.
Yes, I sent it on to a person who can appropriately deal with it. It only served to remind me about how when I chose to be public about my journey I was in a protected bubble. I was writing in a forum where people truly ‘had my six’. Yet as I have become braver in speaking up and speaking out there is the backlash of those who do not want to believe a WOMAN could possibly understand what they are going through. Through so many experiences women are often the enemy. I represent, in their eyes, the woman who betrayed them, the woman who cheated on them, the woman who left them when they were broken, and the woman who took their children away from them.
I am NOT the person I used to be.
I am NOT your enemy. I have been as broken as you, betrayed as you, as unfaithful as you, and as unspeakably dead inside as you.
I am NOT the person I used to attempt to be.
I am now more and I will not be silent about my path. The hate directed my way only causes me to be more determined to keep working in therapy, to keep writing, to keep speaking out each day.
I am MORE than the person I used to be.
This day of thankfulness is not always one of thanks for so many. Do not force us to fit into your round peg hole as we are not square pegs, we are handhewn beautifully created pegs which are deserving of being admired for who we are because of our life experiences, here at home and overseas.
I am MORE than the person I used to be because I survived, I lived to continue to meet the day. It is a job I take seriously even in the face of outright hate, of negativity and in the face of not having day to day support for my journey.

 

In the end, there is only … me.

 
For today remember this:
Today is not always a day of thankfulness for many more than you’d expect. Don’t hold up an unreachable state of so called ‘thankfulness’ to attain today as the pressure is unbearable and it can push people to the breaking point.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s