This week is proving hard for me. To the point I think perhaps I should have had added an extra appointment in for myself. The realizations I’ve had are that I am always the adult in the room. I know I used to be a person who was silly, danced in the kitchen, laughed, made silly jokes. But as PTSD creeped in I began being the ‘too serious’ person. Always on guard I began seeking out others to share with, to talk to and found no recourse.
As I wasn’t one to ‘act out’ I was in the midst of a bunch of misbehaving children and I always had to be the adult. To me the never ending playtime became tiresome. Everyone seemed to me to be stuck in this place of no responsibility, of it’s all about having fun, fun I never got to be a part of. I had three children I was raising and working 2 jobs plus a sometimes extra third job. I couldn’t afford to go out, or to even eat out as my focus was always about how the money had to go towards providing for my household.
I constantly had to be the adult in the room.
I was often told I needed to
“just let go”
“you need to relax”
“you need to drink or get high”
None of these was I willing to do and as one was illegal I sure wasn’t going to do it. I had to be in control at all times. The secrets I held had a high cost and I could not afford to ‘let go’ and ‘just relax’. In the face of all these ridiculous comments I only held myself further apart from those I worked with. The only time I was able to ‘let go’ was in the gym or while I was boxing and sparring. These became my solace. See, when I was working out I felt nothing, thought nothing and this was a wondrous time in my week. There were those I worked with who found the same outlet in sex, seeking out relationship after relationship even though they were in committed relationships. This was not an option for me in spite of a lot of peer pressure.
So I continued to hold myself apart with my secrets held so tightly. I came to be be the butt of jokes, of harrassment, of the nickname “ice queen” because I had to always be the adult in the room.
When Traumatic Brain Injury happened I lost a chunk of who I was. I’ve remembered so much and yet a lot of more recent things I only remember because of having written it down and reading it. Emotions, Emotional connections are often lost to me or confusing as I don’t really understand them.
I have yet to cry, truly cry and I’ve given up at the moment worrying about this lost ability. It’s caused me to still feel apart from others, to feel different at a time I am trying desperately to be social again.
I don’t want to always be the adult in the room.
There has come a time where I’ve realised I want to be the free, fun, and loving woman I used to be. To play, be silly but also be responsible all at the same time.
I think, perhaps a well rounded adult is all those things.