The Realization of Imperfection

Monday, ugh, am I right? Last night I had a negative fall out time and only this morning after working out, after a long shower did I realize what had happened.
Yesterday had been a day of pushing my personal boundaries really hard. I’d gone by myself to the park with my PTSD companion dog. We needed to work on the long leash so away we went. I was a bit shaky at first. Yet I still got out of the car with my very excited dog.
Go left, go right, come back, go ahead, stop, jump over. We worked for a good hour and going back to the car I began to feel those niggling, trembly things that happen when I first get triggered. I scanned the parking lot. No other cars were close. Cars passing by, not slowing down. Get in the car Bree, just get in the car.
Okay then I’ll get in the car. While I was driving home I breathed in and out relaxing myself. By the time I pulled into the driveway I was aware of being irritable and assumed it had to do with this annoying spider bite on my neck.         The day went on and I chose to go pick up bagels by myself for brunch as it was a special day for my daughter and her boyfriend.
This was a place I’d gone to for years, felt comfortable going to. Yet this day I realized I’d not gone there by myself in years now. I drove up, feeling trembly inside again. Luckily it wasn’t busy which was good as there was usually a table or two of people who crane their necks to see who came in.
I ordered quickly and went to sit down by myself. What is going on with me today? I’d asked myself, feeling annoyed and starting to get irritable. The order came out, I took the bag and left to drive home. I felt as if everywhere there were eyes on me. as I walked to the car.
The day went on like this with going places which pushed my personal boundaries. My son and I went to a bookstore which often makes me feel crazed, crowded but I still love going to bookstores. Its a lifelong love and I don’t want to feel that way. Determined to stay as long as he wanted to I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by a dear friend and her son a fellow martial artist. We talked a bit which was helpful in the face of having begun to want to leave. We stayed longer and as I was walking around with him I realized it had been a very long time since I’d eaten this day. This is something which is again becoming a problem.
We talked on the drive home about bills. Those are a subject no one ever wants to talk about and yet we needed to. That done I thought I’d moved on, but as we got out of the car in our driveway I heard something that startled me, some loud sound. My body broke out in a sweat and I walked quickly to the door anxious to get inside. All I wanted was to make some tea and go to my room.
Wow…this, as I look back at it was not good. The signs were all there of not only one, but several triggered responses.
I’ve become complacent in how I care for myself. I’ve been pushing boundaries in good ways, healthy ways and done really well. So to realize that I hadn’t met any of them with a positive approach yesterday really bugged me. I felt as if I was a failure and in the face of that feeling it spiraled into a downward slide into negativity directed towards myself.
Triggers still happen, none of this had gone away as I’d gotten better and I know this is how it works. But I think in my fantasy I would always embrace the challenges and win every time.
Imperfection is okay, I need to embrace my journey which is filled with imperfection. Because in the end I am quite imperfect and to think, or to strive for perfection is the perfect path to a huge downfall.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s